Monday, March 1, 2010

Desert Dispatch November 2009

Grog Takes Off On Maiden Voyage
Liverpool superstar forward David Grog has been awarded his pilots licence after a successful practice flight in the Anfield Simulator. “He flew so beautifully, it was felt he could go into the air straight away no?” said manager and Pilsbury Dough man impersonator Rif Rafa Benitez.

Massive Ferguson Hit With Full Force of “FA” Manchester United supremo Sir Massive Ferguson will today be sitting at home in his slippers, with the radio turned up at full volume. The FA have banned him for 7 years for his ungentlemanly comments about Alan Wiley recently. This is an unprecedented punishment, according to Lord Treesloth of the FA, who said later from behind a bush in Gatcombe Park, “This man needs to be put in his place. He needs to be reminded who is in charge of the game in this country. He needs to be given a sharp cuff around the ears. He needs a whole lot of other unmentionable things done to him and I have ordered Ian Whatfor to start doing them immediately, one by one.”

More Fan Chaos For Vassell By Nelly Custard In Ankaragucu

In a development, there have been more chaotic scenes in this pretty, dusty inland Turkish town, which some people around here call the capital city, as Darius Vassell’s exit from his hotel was met with chanting crowds and screaming fans. It is thought that Vassell was forced out of the hotel by club officials on the grounds that he had become “far too popular” with the clubs’ supporters. “Wherever he goes, they turn up and cheer their heads off”, said a club spokesperson yesterday. “He went down the road to buy a sticky, honey-based pastry, a tiny bag of olives (those little green ones) and some goat’s cheese and got a standing ovation, whilst he was rooting around for some change.” Vassell could only say, “I really don’t know what’s going on.”

Man City – This is it
By Gideon Lampstand, The Voice of Reason: My kids will be wearing City blue just as soon as my order comes in the post from the club shop. The blue moon projected onto the crowd, the darkness before kick off, those thunderously noisy supporters. In a tipsy turvy world, I have found new life and inspiration at Eastlands. Call me a late convert if you will, a glory hunter, a turd juggler. I will not flinch, for I have seen the future. This City side, brimful of character and swagger, never-say-die spirit and lungs & legs that go on for ever have won me over. I was sceptical, as was the rest of the world. My journalistic colleagues laughed and I laughed with them. All those draws, all those ugly defenders, all that money wasted on hob knobs and hopscotch. But now look at them, good grief. What a sight for sore eyes! Those sky blue shirts, those proud boys tackling till they drop, those lovely salt of the earth Mancunian supporters. It brings a tear to my eye. I have seen the way ahead and it looks really quite appetizing. Move over Chelsea there’s a new darling on the block and it’s called Manchester City. ► How to become a Manchester City fan – see Pages 57 - 64

POUND FOR POUND ANALYSIS Let’s look at that hapless City midfield in detail for a minute: Robinho: head in Barcelona already, legs gone to sleep, De Jong: headless chicken, would tackle a ford fiesta if you told him to; Ireland - blown out all his muscles: Wright Philips: Small on a large scale, no direction, shooting towards the moon. Barry: Liverpool laughing their keks off. Surprise Verdict: This is a waste of money on a gargantuan scale.

Convinced? Not me!
This Week’s Blog By Peerless Organ
What utter nonsense once again from the Sunday papers! How do these people manage to eek out a living? How do we fall for it time and again? I suppose it shouldn’t surprise me that our standards have fallen so low, but it does, every time. I can hardly muster the energy needed to mount my spectacles onto the bridge of my nose and peruse the ghastly rags.
Apparently everybody is beginning to be seduced by this shapeless, classless Manchester City megalith that has hoved into view spewing dollar bills out of its portholes. Well excuse me for heaving overboard but if this is the game’s future, I’ll retire to Bournemouth with a slab of toblerone and a thick blanket under which I can hide every time their muscle-bound manager starts bullying the likes of Arsene Wenger. How can such a n upstanding, erudite and thoroughly placid man end up in a squabble? Mark Hughes is a bully of the first order. The action in that technical area was hot and humid throughout the City – Arsenal cup game where the Emirates cubs gave a great account of themselves.

Respond here :

Gilly, Sawbridgeworth – I’m Chelsea through and through and thought we were well worth a point at least v Man City. They bullied us and stole the points. Cam on Chelsea.

More players Swear Never To Play for City as Crisis Deepens by Dennis Hopper in Chapaquiddick
Manchester City lurched deeper into crisis here last night after the revelation by two more star players that they would never ever play for the richest club in the world. Gary Neville and Frank Stapleton followed the lead taken by Neville’s brother and son of Great Northern visionary Neville Neville, in saying “Despite the obvious attraction of getting a game occasionally, I can swear that I will never ever play for that lot across town. They lack class,” said Neville from behind his golden garden gates at Nevilleland, the mansion he has had built out of pink marble and crystalized poodle faeces.

“Me neither, yuk. No class” – Kaka, Madrid

“I would rather retire” – F. Ribery, Bavaria

The Week’s BIG STORY: Sir Gary Crook THAT APOLOGY IN FULL
“It has occurred to me that somewhere along the line I might have said that our supporters are not the very best quality. Booing at the end of a game is not something I like to hear, but they pay their money and are free to show their feelings in any way they feel appropriate. That’s how we work here at Manchester United and we are proud of being little Red Devils, who wear our hearts on our bright red sleeves”

Bolton To Join The Scottish Premier by Pete Pie in Arbroath

Bolton Wanderers were yesterday admitted to the Scottish premier league. They will take up the place of Hamilton Academicals from the beginning of 2010 – 2011 and few people are expected to notice the difference. Reg Backside, the Bolton chairman and pioneer of this ground-breaking move, was said to be “literally beside himself” last night after the announcement. “We have worked for this result for a number of weeks and this is the culmination of our work. We feel that we can bring something new and fresh to Scotland and have the USP of being a club based in North West England playing against what are essentially Scottish teams. This should make people sit up and take notice of Bolton wanderers as a truly unique brand in the SPL. Plus there’s no way we’ll get relegated from this shower of shite. Look at the fixtures, we’re playing Partick Bloody Thistle and then Motherwell!”

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