Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Desert Dispatch - Latest news off the presses

Equality Street By Phil Snood in Darwen
Balotelli: completely unhinged
Observing how two footballers from Manchester were treated this week, it is clear that our upstanding, much maligned men-in-black-with-the-whistle are still carrying out their oh-so-diffcult business to the letter of the law. Two players. Two throbbing premier league stadia. Let’s take a look: One comes from solid Scottish stock. He’s as hard as a big bag of nails but as honest as the day is long. He came up through the ranks at Old Trafford and is regarded as one of the best pros in the game. A future Balloon d’Awe if ever we saw one. The other is a temperamental Italian. He got dodgy haircut, wear a glove and a snood. He only here for da money and is he who give footballers  bad name. Darren Fletcher ran 30 yards to gently nudge against referee Howard Webb during Manchester United’s 1-0 victory over Arsenal on Monday night. He was obviouly wanting to inform the official that he may have parked his car in the wrong slot outside and to watch out for little Salfordian children wearing hoods and bringing bad tidings. A noble gesture which got a knowing smile and a word of thanks from a man who proved during the World Cup Final that reputations mean everything. Money-fixated child eater Mario Balotelli waved a Nani-like leg at an opponent against West Brom, ideally with the intent of either maiming his opponent or taking out at least one of the man’s two eyes, and was rightly shown an immediate and friskily brandished red card. Get thee gone, nasty cheat!
Sandwiches & Meteorites Section
PAUL MERSON "AN OVERHYPED ALCOHOLIC DRUG USER" -  exclusive interview with the bemeddled, star-spangled, top of the table England hero Glenn Johnson, the Man Who Has Won Everything There is To Win –P455.
Tyres & Personal Hygiene Exclusive: DALGLISH THE SAVIOUR
The coronation of Kenny Dalglish, in the place of the unthroned Roy Hodgson, as manager of Liverpool football club, will now surely bring the loveable scouse club back to its rightful place in English football, which is 9th. Dalglish, who has not been a top flight manager since 1927, is expected to give the giant trophy-laden Scousers a real boost where it is needed. It is thought that he will appoint the important yet profoundly ungainly figure of Sammy Lee as assistant. Lee will, as usual, be in charge of agitated clapping and half time sandwiches. “Steve Clarke will be asked to organise team formation, whilst wee fat Sammy claps really fast in the background” said Dalglish yesterday through an interpreter.
Latest news. 2 minutes into Reign of King Kenny, Liverpool out of cup. A little bit later: narrow defeat at...Blackpool.
Crime Dispatch: WORLD CUP LATEST
Blatters Dream Team in typical action
Septimus Blatter, a man known to be in favour of women and their worldly wears, has announced that FIFA’s attention to keeping its financial house in order is similar to that shown by a “good housewife”. Blatter, who has always held that women footballers should be encouraged to wear bikinis and hold sequinned cushions whilst playing the beautiful game, is also thought to have been “greatly encouraged” by the recent development in the Bundesliga, which saw a cautioned player show he had no hard feelings for the female referee, Gertrude Fassbinder, by fondling her left breast, before making off to his defensive position for the restart of the game. “We would like to see a lot more of these actions”, the portly old man said.   
Page 412 – Read our exclusive guide: Part Two of How to Survive at the Qatari World Cup if you are asthmatic and suffer from sand inhalation and alergies to dates and other dried fruit.
England friendly in Thailand called off, owing to failure of bribes network P203
Lord Wright of Braintree
Hyperbole Section: SHAUN WRIGHT PHILIPS BACK IN CITY COLOURS!!!!!! FATHER TOUTS PROSPECTS OF DOUBLE YOUR MONEY PAY-RISE!!!!! EVEN THE HOMELESS WOULD BAULK AT PRESENT WAGE STRUCTURE!!!! PLAYER PROVES HE REALLY IS A BUSTED FLUSH!!!! OH.
FIVE CLUBS IN FOR JÔ!!!!! ENTIRE EUROPEAN SCOUTING NETWORK PUT UNDER STRICT SCRUTINY!!!!!
Travel Dispatch – 27 MILLION POUND DZEKO ARRIVES AT LAST!
EXCLUSIVE: Today is the first day at work of 27 Million Pound Edin Dzeko, the forward who will bring yet more attacking options to Bastard Cupcake Manchester City.  When asked about his new club’s prospects, 27 Million Pound Dzeko said, “We have a good chance, yes”. It is clear that 27 Million Pound Dzeko will add some serious power and precision alongside the feeble and inaccurate Quarter of a Million Pound Jô. The Brazillian, formerly known as 18 Million Pound Jô, before it was realised that he had been overpriced by 17.75 million pounds, has been attracting a lot of interest from clubs during the transfer window, including Salzburg, who are looking for a replacement for Alan, who now lives in Gorton with his friends.
TACTICS TRUCK
Parking the bus: In the wake of Gross Bastard Manchester City’s anaemic, tepid, luke warm and downright disgraceful, let’s be frank, performance at the Emirates Stadium, where a lusty, precocious, well-dressed and bob-tailed Arsenal were held to 0-0 by a slovenly, crude City team with their badly parked bus, many commentators and experts alike, including the ferociously incisive Brain Of Nani, have concluded that “the title is now clearly between Manchester United and Chelsea”. In his blog, world reknowned gust of wind frightener Nani proclaimed “there are only two who can win it now”. It is thought that United’s stunning and decisive two point lead is the most cavernous and gaping chasm since football records began in 1992.
City's bus: a little skew-whiff
Boring Boring City: This was the clearly heard refrain from all true football followers – even those in the away section, who were clearly completely naffed off by their team’s approach to this game – as pretend Football Club Manchester City defended from the first minute to the last to secure a feeble and ill-begotten point at the home of fairy, feather-kisses Arsenal. Home captain Cecil Fabregas commented, quite fairly, that “this is anti-football. I just thank the good lord that my team plays proper successful football and that we have never been besmirched by the hideous and foul-smelling reputation of winning games 1-0 in the history of the game, which dates way back to August 1992. Wengerboys Arsene, the famously erudite, cultural and clean-living Arsenal manager added to the furore, saying “I would personally prefer to lick the bottom of a sumo wrestler, one of those really large ones with hairy buttocks, than make my team play like that.” Desert Dispatch checked its archives and indeed there is no mention of any single instance when an Arsenal side were anything but a well-oiled, super-fluid, fancy-dan, velvet-trousered trophyless bunch of self-loving egotistical maniacs, who would gladly eat themsleves if they could reach. In a sworn affidavit, messrs Dixon, Bould, Winterburn, Jensen, Morrow and Adams confirmed that they had always to the best of their recollection played in rumbustuous 5-4s, exhilarating 3-3s and heart-stopping but beautiful cup defeats where 24 man moves, bicycle kicks and olé- backed precision football occasionally failed to get them past Micky Thomas’s Wrexham.
House & Home -  This month Steven Ireland shows us his Persian bejewelled skink-skin slippers, his monogrammed bronze and ruby bird table and walks us around his Black Rhinosaurus sausage factory.
Nutrition Dispatch: Doing the Poznan is good for you: by jumping up and down like a bunch of lunatics, you aid and swiften your stomach’s digestion of the seven pies and 11 pints of Stella you had before the game, says an expert.

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