Joseph Barton yesterday |
TEVEZ FLIES OUT
Did he wipe away a tear as the Giant Fokker GF33 took to the grey-laden sky this evening or was it a spec of dust? Did he wave a little St George’s flag or was it just a hanky with a splatter of nose-bleed in the middle? Did he write “love you” in the condensated window or did it say something else less fragrant back to front? Was that a smile playing across his lower jaw or was he having his usual problems with the airline lasagne? Did he leave each supporter who made the trip to Munich a little envelope containing a few pennies as a gesture of contrition or was it just the key to his Bismark Humdinger 4x4? We will possibly never know, but he sure did leave a nasty smell behind in Terminal 3.
ENGLAND CALLING by Excited Dicky O’Donnald of The Mirror
After their scintillating league cup win over downtrodden and humdrum Leeds, it came as quite a SHOCK that Michael Owen didn’t get a long overdue and well deserved call up to play for England again. He has shown time and again that there is not a better and more clinically adept footballer who plays three times a season anywhere in Britain and probably the world. A call-up would almost certainly have put him in the running for Player of the Year too, but CRUSHINGLY this will all be put on ice until he POPS UP AGAIN sometime in March to notch the third goal in a 5-0 win at Fulham. In the meantime all votes should be diverted to Ryan Giggs as usual.
TEVEZ LATEST:
Carlos Tevez has been feted on arrival in Katakunga National Park, where thousands of local children people have made the 30 - 55 kilometre...22 - 34 mile trek, stagger, arid walk across barren wasted yet strangely peaceful scrubland with 50 degree heat, hot, hoover, no water and the ever-present threat of attack by lion, cheetah or scurrilous bugs, bugles and candyfloss salespeople. Carlos said on arrival/departure: "I am happy/sad to be here and it makes me want to believe/chuck up in this fucking heat. If it wasn't for Colonel Gadaafi and Nicolae Caeucesu and Phil Neal, this continent or quarry or very deep pit with water in it would be a nice and voluptuous place to have a weekend break/mushroom omelette in. Oooh, my kidneys/intestines/home made apple pie! Mancini you are a very unkind man" (this translation delivered by *Joorabchian2011TranslatorSystem*
GUEST PIECE by Mark Church Organ of the Daily Telegraph
Carlos Tevez has been feted on arrival in Katakunga National Park, where thousands of local children people have made the 30 - 55 kilometre...22 - 34 mile trek, stagger, arid walk across barren wasted yet strangely peaceful scrubland with 50 degree heat, hot, hoover, no water and the ever-present threat of attack by lion, cheetah or scurrilous bugs, bugles and candyfloss salespeople. Carlos said on arrival/departure: "I am happy/sad to be here and it makes me want to believe/chuck up in this fucking heat. If it wasn't for Colonel Gadaafi and Nicolae Caeucesu and Phil Neal, this continent or quarry or very deep pit with water in it would be a nice and voluptuous place to have a weekend break/mushroom omelette in. Oooh, my kidneys/intestines/home made apple pie! Mancini you are a very unkind man" (this translation delivered by *Joorabchian2011TranslatorSystem*
GUEST PIECE by Mark Church Organ of the Daily Telegraph
SCHOLESY UNDERSTANDS DEMENTED TEVEZ It seems such a vast barren horribly empty space of time since Paul “Scholesy” Scholes, that archetypal footballers’ footballer hung up his boots and how we all deeply and dearly miss him... (Oh, Christ, get him off, pull this piece please, tell him the cheque’s in the post – Ed)
When you turn Rooney upside down, the effect is stunning |
BLATTER SPLATTER – FIFA AS CLEAN AS A CAVEMAN’S JOCKSTRAP
Old rascal Sepp Blatter's newly arranged "council of wisdom" whose job it will be to advise the FIFA president on how to speak at the top of his voice when allegations of corruption are put to him, are to be joined by new members. Unsure as to whether the weighty intellect and hearty vocal chords of Henry Kissinger, Johan Cruyff and Placido Domingo would suffice, word on the street in Zurich is that they will be joined soon by Sacha Distell, Eddie the Eagle and the Archbishop of Galway, the very reverend Terry and June, to bolster the ranks with a touch of theatricality, yarn spinning and TOUGH REALISM. In another scintillating development, the FIFA executive appointed to head the Olympic football tournament in London is still under investigation by the International Olympic Committee's ethics commission over corruption allegations, a spokesman for the IOC has confirmed. Itsa Potato, the president of the Confederation of African Football, has been appointed by Fifa to head the organising committee for the tournament and as the new chairman of the Goal Bureau, which distributes Fifa money for development projects. That’s “distributes FIFA money for development projects”. Selection Board member Ronnie Corbett said, “It’s the way we tell them. Most people were laughing when they heard we are all comedians on the selection board. Well they’re not laughing now! Boo-boom”.BUSTER PHILLIPS – AN APPRECIATION
Ah yes. Well, no. But, there again. No, definitely not. 'Kin thruppeny bit.
MODRIC: A MAN MADE OUT OF SHORTBREAD
Smallish Tottenham Hotspur midfielder Luka Modric has aimed SHARP criticism at Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy after he went back on a deal to allow Modric to break his own contract with the club. The tiny Croatian Mastermind contestant was BITTERLY CONFUSED and AWFULLY UPSET after having his earlier agreement with the chairman reneged upon. “If this is how chairpersons around the football world are going to behave, I fear for the sport,” he giggled seriously. “Showing a modicum of decency and understanding would have allowed me to leave this glorious club for one even more glorious. Where’s that upright British behaviour when you need it,” he sqeaked excitedly. “One broken agreement should not necessarily lead straight to another one. Otherwise we are all in a pickle of eggs and cauliflower,” he said before driving off in his Tritonia Humdinger 4x4, trailing many cans of pop and other fruit-flavoured light refreshments from the back bumper.
I’M OFF. OR I WILL BE. I BLOODY AM NOW.
Manchester City forward Carlos Tevez will not be here any longer than necessary after he fired off another BROADSIDE about living conditions in Manchester. “Nothing has changed,” said the little striker, fondling his beard. “Manchester is still as stinking awful as it was last year and the year before that.”. I was brought up in a slum in Buenos Aires and cannot adjust to this kind of place at all. Nothing could have prepared me for what I found here when I first arrived”. Speaking of Manchester’s two restaurants, Tevez explained: “I no like chicka tikka massala and I no like fishy chips”.
No like it |
POSTSCRIPT: After his interview, Tevez left with the squad to play in Munich. Or not play. It turned out to be the latter, although it was a close run thing, when Mancini pulled him to his feet and tried to unzip his tracksuit. Like any decent four year old, Tevez immediately put a plan into operation: SPAGHETTI LEGS and SLIPPERY ARMS. Unable to get him to his feet, Mancini took the only option open to him: Aleksander Kolarov.
Afterwards, Bill Buggermee of Ancoats said: “I can understand Carlos’s predicament. You have to put yourself in his shoes. I mean, us lot, we just turn up drink and shout a lot. We’ve just spent an entire month’s salary to be here tonight and personally, I’ll never forget the show Tevez put on for us. His spirit is just on another level, isn’t it?”
DE GEA IN A HOLE
The donuts: clearly the hole has been stolen |
TITUS BRAMBLE – AN EXPLANASHUN
Titus Bramble would like to assure all fans, particularly of his current club Schlunderland, and his former club Newpinkrodents that the alleged drugs found on his person have had no effect on his playing style whatsoever. Dwooob dwooob.
TEVEZ LATEST
Carlos Tevez arrived unexpectedly in Kitakunga National Park late last night, where the locals turned out in force to dance around him and wave coloured sticks with crepe paper at him. Due to a mistranslation by one of his crack team of aides, they now believe he is The Rice God.
Buster Phillips eh? England's first ten million quid footballer. Our plumber told me he lives down the road from us (I'm in Frome) in a small village called Rode. No idea what he's up to but I'll report back if I can be bothered to chase it. 'Kin thruppeny bit is indeed the sum of Buster. He doesn't even appear to be playing for Frome Town.
ReplyDeleteAs soon as alan ball saddled him with that tag, he was done for. You could see the confidence draining out of him. I remember him hitting the post against Blackburn when it was easier to score and Gio Kinkladze just standing there looking at him, thinking "and I have to carry this lot...". If you dig him out, ask him some questions and I'll post your findings here! Would love to hear his opinions on city at that time and what kind of a mentor Old Squeakie was...
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