Thursday, January 26, 2012

PARANOID PETE

So, here's the list, growing by the minute!

  • Chelsea away. Loose ball in the box, rears up and hits Joleon Lescott on the arm. Clear ball to hand incident. Penalty!!! Chelsea score, win 2-1 and City's unbeaten run is over. Tough cheese, what comes round goes around.
  • Man Utd in the cup. Big Vinny slides in with a brilliant clean tackle, swishing the ball from Nani's feet and returns to the perpendicular all in one motion. Nani, a fragile beast at the best of times, jumps the tackle and lands on his feet, ready to chase back for possession. But wait a minute, ref blows. Red card. Oh yes. Play the next 80 minutes with a man less. Don't pass Go and don't get out of jail. Not for a long time, sonny.
  • Big Vinny banned for four games for brilliant clean tackle.
  • Man Utd: Incredibly, still going strong and fighting for late equaliser. Phil Jones handles in the box. No penalty. Out of the cup you go! Shhh.
  • Liverpool. Johnson flies in from great distance with a leg breaker on Lescott, who just about clears the lunge. Play on, no foul, no cards, no retrospective punishment. There you go, Joe.
  • Mates telling me to calm down, it's not a conspiracy.
  • Wigan. Ball cleared to halfway, Aguero is clear to run through one on one if it doesn't touch last defender. He jumps, makes sizeable arse of himself and pats the ball away like Michael Jordan doing the Big Loopy. Yellow card, free kick, stop whining.
  • Sunderland. After a day camping in the opposition half, home side break out of ten man defence for first time in 93rd minute. Sadly, disoriented South Korean sub strays a metre and a half offside, but runs on and nets winner. No offside, go away, you've lost the game! Toot toot.
  • Tottenham. Balotelli banned for 4 games after Retrospective Trial by Daily Mail (new law introduced whilst you were asleep last night).
  • Mates start laughing at my "dyspeptic rage" and outrageous sense of Contrived Bully Syndrome.
  • Hospital appointment to remove Malteezer from ear.
  • Day off work to replaster wall where fridge landed after last night's game.
  • Liverpool. Dzeko's leg taken away by Adam for clear penalty. No penalty go away. Shut up and stop muttering like that, you're only making yourself look silly.
  • Dark clouds forming around my temples.
  • Liverpool. Ball zooms off Micah's outstretched foot and rears up to glance onto his arms. Waist high arms. Penalty!!! No, I said penalty. Ball to hand? no, penalty and don't ask again.
  • Phil Dowd leaves the field at half time doing a routine not unlike the Tampa Bay Rowdies Cheerleaders. "Arms were up here, arms were up here, arms were up here". 
  • Aleksander Kolarov
  • Shoe flies out of window, followed by tortoise. Whoops. Expect FA Retrospective Action. Thought it was Lego.
  • Peter Walton is announced as ref for Everton v City.
  • Immigration papers arrive.
FA Council Disciplinary Hearing: "Ban him!"

12 comments:

  1. eee, in your rage you forgot Silva being legged down in the box whilst 1-0 up at Stamford Bridge, and Agger's embellishment of the slightest of touches in the first leg of the semi final. See also Balotelli's sending off at Anfield, for which he has now effectively got a two game ban.

    I'm not paranoid either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gah, you're right. *heaves sofa out of the window*

      Delete
  2. You've also missed giggsies x rated tackle from behind on Sergio aguero. if mario had to prove he didn't have intent to stamp, giggs needs to prove he wasn't deliberately trying to break agueros right leg. Only one incident was deemed noteworthy, but that's another story.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Selective memory. I am obviously trying to protect myself from Psychiatric ward seven (delusional, schizophrenic, Pollock-infestations) *throws pepper pot at book case*

    ReplyDelete
  4. Aleksander Kolarov indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You also forgot Stuart Attwell's star turn in the Wolves home game.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Stuart Atwell!! ...Stuart Atwell!!! *throws toaster at the dog. Sparks. Dog catches fire*

      Delete
  6. Not to mention the two pens v Bayern turned down. Or the pen in the 6-1 which was as clear a pen as any ever. Sure, 6-1 - but 7-1 would have been even sweeter!


    Great post.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cheers!

      You're right and I'm now far more paranoid than when I started. Let's hope Porto tomorrow doesn't result in an addition to an already very long list

      Delete
  7. Err the first one on that list: EXACTLY the same happened with City's pen v Chelsea at home so stop complaining ffs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Anonymous. I said: "Chelsea away....blah blah, boring blah... Tough cheese, what comes round goes around." Which part of "tough cheese, what comes around goes around" is a complaint, exactly? The rest of the piece, admittedly, is one long sad, bitter, blue-tinted complaint, but that is because, quite plainly the World and Michael Oliver are against us. It's a conspiracy. Did you see that UFO over Telford yesterday?

      Delete

Other Tedious Stuff

Poets and Lyricists