Saturday, August 11, 2012


Manchester City chief Roberto "Rumbling Discontent" Mancini today stated that his team were "2nd, 3rd, 4th or maybe even 14th place" candidates for the Premier league title, the race for which - expected to be the most exciting ever (tm) - begins in literally days. "Ees like this," he explained, slurping noisily on a drip feed of Umbongo Multifruits attached to the handlebars of his new Manchester City bicycle. "You have to improve, you have to buy in May and June, not now. Now it is not so easy."

A jar of mayonnaise yesterday
It is thought that Mancini named his desired players as long ago as last March, but the carefully hand-written list became mixed up with Chief Operating Officer Brian Marwood's own shopping list and, when Mancini returned from a two week stay on the island of Sardinia, he found to his disbelief that his desk contained five tins of Pilchards, a family-sized box of Golden Grahams and a jar of Hellmans. "The pilchards is easy. I give to Micah. The Grahams they are as useful as Rocky Santa Cruz," Mancini spluttered. "Mayonnaise, I take home for the pecorino sandwich."

It is thought that Mancini's working relationship with Marwood did not improve when he discovered a small almost illegible note with the purchased victuals "Ciao Roberto!" it declared "Enjoy the picnic. Sorry, no gherkins."

As a result of this administrative faux-pas, City meet Chelsea tomorrow with a relatively weak good-enough-to-win-the-Premier-League side, that may well be taken to the cleaners by refurbished-up-and-at-em-new-media-darlings Chelsea. It is thought that, without immediate and headline-grabbing activity in the transfer market this week, the national press will be forced to wheel out all the soggy prose that had been in grave danger of being consigned to the dustbin after City's title win last season. A spokesman for the Daily Mail said, "We are surprised it has come to this, but we are more than ready to report it exactly as we see it: a full-blown crisis.On the other hand, if City do pull their finger out finally and buy in some quality, we will revert to our Ruining Football copy."

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