Desert Dispatch July 2010

World News: Mundial 2010 - The Fallout, The Terrible Legacy, The Broken Promises, The Spilled Beer

ARGENTINA: The Sweaty Embrace of God

Carlos Tevez, a small man who spent much of the month of June running around South Africa like a bit part player from Toy Story 3, has admitted in a candid interview with El Grafico de Buenos Aires that his most harrowing moments of WC2010 came, not as he and his feathery-locked Argentina team-mates were humbled by the Germans in the quarter finals, nor when manager Diego Maradona clutched his beloved crucifix and let out a mournful plea punctuated by ragged obscenities "Merda. somebody tell me what to do next!", but when the stocky-chunky, Man-at-Burton, gorilla chops, starey-eyeballed run-about, run-around NOW! supremo embarked on a pre-match kiss and cling-a-thon with his surprised and bewildered team prior to the 2nd round clash with Mexico. "Ok, we were in the tunnel, warming up, glancing about, doing knee flexes, uppy downies and so on when Diego look at us in funny way and start coming right for us one by one," claimed Tevez, still shuddering visibly at the thought, "he do big man hug and girly kiss to each one, with his wet bristles and funny helmet of hair". Tevez even risked severe injury as the swinging good luck bracelet and heavy crucifix used by Maradona when his tailor-made tactics appeared to be unravelling before his very eyes, were oscillating wildly as the small but firm, short but wide ex superstar play-maker and goal and attention grabber made his tearful way down the phalanx of leg jiggling South American cohorts. Tevez managed to drop a shoulder and run off to sing the national anthem two minutes before the rest of the team. "Diego he terrific coach but his breath it smell of onions!"

Sideways

ENGERLAND: Crabwalk to Mediocrity

Gareth Barry, accused by many of trundling back from a semi-serious injury picked up scuttling crab-like into Luka Modric at the end of last season at a pace that, even for him, was a little fast, has blamed his own wretched form in South Africa on advice he received pre-tournament from Steven "Me" Gerrard and Frank "Oh No Not Him" Lampard. "Stevie told me just to go out and play my normal game and that I'd be fine," said a vividly shaking Bleary. "I did but I wasn't."
Bleary was said to be so traumatised by the unnerving speed with which Thomas Muller shot past him in the Germany 2nd round game, that the first thing he did when he arrived home, was hand back the keys to his MCFC Audi coupé. "It's too fast, too efficient and too smooth," he stuttered. "I want a Vauxhall Viva hatchback, just like Micah Richards".

ENGERLAND: Pocket Rocket turns into Dope on a Rope

"it's all about medals innit?"

Shaun Wright Philips has blamed his own lumpen World Cup "campaign" (10 minute limp cameo here, blameless shambles there) on the lack of a guiding father figure for him in South Africa. Asked whether Fabio Crapello may have been able to fill this role, SWP burped, "Nah, I mean a real step father figure. Without me dad being there an that to big me up to the press and chat about salaries and wot I'm worth an that, there was nothing really doing but to sulk." Philips, nicknamed the Pocket Rocket after his customary lightning speed into salary negotiations, was heard to say, "It's an honour an that but i think Mr Crapello has to brush up on his communication skills a little bit. Not once did he big me up like step-dad does in his exclusive The Sun column and, as everybody knows, i am very much a confidence player." The player vying for Wright Philips' wing spot at City, Adam Johnson, has meanwhile expressed himself to be "delighted, no relieved, no quietly pleased" to have missed out on the world cup "maelstrom". Johnson mentioned, "By doing absolutely nothing during the summer, I think I have fully cemented my place in the side." Johnson, who spent the close season eating ice cream and passing a master's degree in corporate law, is also a shoe-in for Fabio Crapello's first England squad, which will be announced directly after the public floggings of Steven "Me" Gerrard, Frank "Lamps" Lampard, John "Spiv" Terry and Wayne "Potato" Rooney at the Tower of London on August 7th for crimes against the crown this summer. Mathew Upson had been expected to be part of the Tower Squad but he has been allowed time to be with his family as he has terminal club foot disease. Glen Johnson was also excused on the grounds that he didn't much understand what was going on. Others who were passed over on this occasion include David James (too old to be bothered with), Ashley Cole (untraceable, thought to be in the United States on business) and david beckham (in a private clinic in Gstaad having his this is beginning to look quite serious expression surgically hoovered). Crapello himself, thought to be completely blameless for this latest expression of England's lethargic art, was said to have learned "many new things" about the mentality of English players, most of which he was keeping to himself. Amongst the things that the world weary wisecracking, serious but light headed Italian was prepared to share with the press were that his troops were "frozen with fear from the very first instant", "lacking even the most basic survival instincts", "all at sea without an agent and a mobile phone" and "smelling heavily of methane". It is widely thought that England will start the Euro 2012 qualifying campaign as hot favourites to win the trophy with the team lead capably by John Terry and the midfield ably manned by two great Premier league stars Lampard and Gerrard. William Hill say that early betting has been "brisk, optimistic and layered with garlic butter".

PARAGUAY: Santa's Cruise

Having saved almost all his energy for the World Cup, there was some consternation in Ascuncion that Roque Santa Cruz did not manage to, as the vernacular has it, get up a head of steam in the World Cup games that he was actually picked to play in. In fact his sweating face, air-pumping legs and dank appearance spoke mainly of general disappointment and some kind of deep South American confusion. Santa Cruz, sporting a slick hair and enormous ear rings, was seen grazing in midfield during Paraguay's match with Italy and was later caught by the cameras filing his nails on the edge of the New Zealand box. It is thought the lanky good-looking slightly spotty but who cares Paraguayan lighthouse, hit man.cum-target striker is keeping his powder dry for a move to a top European club. Kickers Offenbach, Wolves and Brondby are said to be closing in.

Broken Down News: Gazza's in the Moat

"..and I hear that nice Gazza's here as well..."

Many emails were sent to our news desk regarding the thoughtful act during pre-world Cup final weekend of Paul Gascoigne, ex Newcastle footballer, full time fruit drop and slim fishing enthusiast, when he arrived at the Northumberland police force's Raoul Moat Coming Out party, heavily armed with a chicken, some blankets and two fishing rods. It was not immediately clear what purpose these objects might carry during a night-time stand-off with a fugitive homicidal lunatic, but police were said to be "pleased if slightly puzzled" by Gascoigne's kind appearance. "he didn't need to come all the way over here, like, he could have stayed in the pub," said Larry Locklear of Rothbury.

Finance Dispatch: Giggs: "City's Millions Don't Worry Us"

With the new season only a matter of weeks away, Manchester united superstar, heart-throb and travelling fireside rug Bryan Jizz has opened his heart exclusively to Desert Dispatch. Jizz, who only ever says things that are laconic, lyrical, 100% organic and entirely & utterly original, has SLATED moneybags bastard Manchester City, spitting fire in an erudite and wholly controlled way, "I think when it comes to next season, which it will at some point without a doubt, I think United's kids will have a head start on City's money grabbing shit head mercenaries. We have Scholesy, meself, Edwin, Gargoyle Gary and a heap of other youngsters who have the energy, the experience and the beautifully crafted calf muscles to get us to the top and keep us there. We don't fear City because of their incredible and stupefying mountains of cash.We are just comfortable being who we are, a side of young lads with little money and few pretensions. It serves us well and it obviously serves others well too as I keep getting these dirty-talk emails from my contacts at The Mirror, saying "can you come over and throw some more shit about City, cos it's nearly print run time? The usual lyrical, original, organic stuff will do".

Watersports & Psychiatry: 

Gascoigne Found Walking Streets of Gateshead "Disillusioned and Disoriented"

Fishing enthusiast and linguistics professor Dr Paul O'Gascoigne was this morning found walking the streets of Gateshead wearing a dressing gown and dangling a full roast chicken from the end of a fishing rod. "Moaty's gone, I think I'll have to eat it meself like" was all he would say. "You'll like this but pet, I've still got two cans of lager in the back of the car. in case he comes back."

Exclusive Section: Potato Bigged Up for Season Start  Dimitar Berbatov exclusive pages 16, 17, 18: "Super Strong Wayne Will be Our Star: Rooney just Best in the World"
Exclusive: Rooney Exclusive: "Berbatov To Shine For Us This Season: Berbs Can be Anything He Wants"

Female Dispatch: Harry Redknapp beauty tips page 78, column 2, paragraph 14, lines 8 and 9

Literature, Critics, Tonights tv: "Jizz Better Than Pele", says ... Brown

Brown: erudite, elusive, exclusive

BROWN stains his predictions in blood: "World class is a term very much overused in these days of tremulous football hype, but when it comes to Ryan Giggs, it is not always easy to fish out the apposite superlatives", mumbled Wesley Brown this morning.in a press conference that exuded both class and an appalling aroma of follow-through. "What I have to say is this," confided Brown from deep in a red velvet armchair, cravat and cigar impeccably poised. "We are talking here about the game's greatest ambassador. This is a man who transcends eras, materials, tactics, styles and genders. A man who, through dint of his hairy legs and his slightly unsettling eyes, has grown to be a footballer with twice the ability of Maradona and Pele put together. It is a common misnomer, is it not," he continued, relighting his Havana, "to find ourselves listening to this willy and that willy, all trembling with awe or stiff with respect at their own team mates or an avuncular colleague from a neighbouring team, who they describe as the best latest nice thing to happen to Association Soccer. Well that is all very well in our humdrum and mundane society where we visit the altar of mediocrity and worship it with our mouths open. Well, that is not my bent, I'm afraid. I prefer to err on the side of class. Ryan Giggs is clearly the best player this world has ever seen. Full flipping stop".
* Wesley Brown works tirelessly for the Help pandas to talk Society. 

Music & Art: Tottenham Bans Vuvuzelas

A statement issued by Brawn Tempest of the Tottenham marketing department said: "Following discussions with the police and representatives from the local licensing authorities, the club will not be permitting vuvuzelas or similar instruments into White Hart Lane on match days in the coming season.We are concerned that the presence of the instruments within the stadium pose unnecessary risks to public safety and could impact on the ability of all supporters to hear any emergency marketing statements that it might be necessary to get to them during their 2010 - 2011 stadium experience."

the uncovered section at Superstar Arena

Hyperbole Section: 20 page pull-out: Elite Squad Arrives At Hyde Olympic Superdrome pages 45 - 48: Man City's Elite Squad Formerly known As the Stiffs arrived for their game with Preston North End Star Cruisers this afternoon at Hyde's Superstar Arena, formerly known as Ewen Fields. The Elite squad members will be bulked up on a new superstar diet in the coming weeks to prepare them for the new season, eating plenty of silverside best minced beef, lean green olympian "garkin", lightning white cereality bake with a touch of cerise tomates relish (formerly known as Big Macs), slither sliced king root carbohydrates (small fries) and deluxe energy providing gaseous eau de vie (large coke).
Legal News: recent law amendments -  The parents of footballer B. McCarthy could be found guilty of neglect under the revamped obesity laws, a spokesman says. "Weight alone is not a reason for protection agencies to intervene, but if it makes the individual totally hopeless at what he's supposed to do for a living, then out with the cattle prods, teams of slathering lawyers and taxi to the High Court!"