ARGENTINA: The Sweaty Embrace of GodCarlos Tevez, a small man who spent much of the month of June running around South Africa like a bit part player from Toy Story 3, has admitted in a candid interview with El Grafico de Buenos Aires that his most harrowing moments of WC2010 came, not as he and his feathery-locked Argentina team-mates were humbled by the Germans in the quarter finals, nor when manager Diego Maradona clutched his beloved crucifix and let out a mournful plea punctuated by ragged obscenities "Merda. somebody tell me what to do next!", but when the stocky-chunky, Man-at-Burton, gorilla chops, starey-eyeballed run-about, run-around NOW! supremo embarked on a pre-match kiss and cling-a-thon with his surprised and bewildered team prior to the 2nd round clash with Mexico. "Ok, we were in the tunnel, warming up, glancing about, doing knee flexes, uppy downies and so on when Diego look at us in funny way and start coming right for us one by one," claimed Tevez, still shuddering visibly at the thought, "he do big man hug and girly kiss to each one, with his wet bristles and funny helmet of hair". Tevez even risked severe injury as the swinging good luck bracelet and heavy crucifix used by Maradona when his tailor-made tactics appeared to be unravelling before his very eyes, were oscillating wildly as the small but firm, short but wide ex superstar play-maker and goal and attention grabber made his tearful way down the phalanx of leg jiggling South American cohorts. Tevez managed to drop a shoulder and run off to sing the national anthem two minutes before the rest of the team. "Diego he terrific coach but his breath it smell of onions!"
ENGERLAND: Crabwalk to Mediocrity
Gareth Barry, accused by many of trundling back from a semi-serious injury picked up scuttling crab-like into Luka Modric at the end of last season at a pace that, even for him, was a little fast, has blamed his own wretched form in South Africa on advice he received pre-tournament from Steven "Me" Gerrard and Frank "Oh No Not Him" Lampard. "Stevie told me just to go out and play my normal game and that I'd be fine," said a vividly shaking Bleary. "I did but I wasn't."
Bleary was said to be so traumatised by the unnerving speed with which Thomas Muller shot past him in the Germany 2nd round game, that the first thing he did when he arrived home, was hand back the keys to his MCFC Audi coupé. "It's too fast, too efficient and too smooth," he stuttered. "I want a Vauxhall Viva hatchback, just like Micah Richards".
ENGERLAND: Pocket Rocket turns into Dope on a Rope
|"it's all about medals innit?"|
PARAGUAY: Santa's CruiseHaving saved almost all his energy for the World Cup, there was some consternation in Ascuncion that Roque Santa Cruz did not manage to, as the vernacular has it, get up a head of steam in the World Cup games that he was actually picked to play in. In fact his sweating face, air-pumping legs and dank appearance spoke mainly of general disappointment and some kind of deep South American confusion. Santa Cruz, sporting a slick hair and enormous ear rings, was seen grazing in midfield during Paraguay's match with Italy and was later caught by the cameras filing his nails on the edge of the New Zealand box. It is thought the lanky good-looking slightly spotty but who cares Paraguayan lighthouse, hit man.cum-target striker is keeping his powder dry for a move to a top European club. Kickers Offenbach, Wolves and Brondby are said to be closing in.
Broken Down News: Gazza's in the Moat
|"..and I hear that nice Gazza's here as well..."|
Finance Dispatch: Giggs: "City's Millions Don't Worry Us"With the new season only a matter of weeks away, Manchester united superstar, heart-throb and travelling fireside rug Bryan Jizz has opened his heart exclusively to Desert Dispatch. Jizz, who only ever says things that are laconic, lyrical, 100% organic and entirely & utterly original, has SLATED moneybags bastard Manchester City, spitting fire in an erudite and wholly controlled way, "I think when it comes to next season, which it will at some point without a doubt, I think United's kids will have a head start on City's money grabbing shit head mercenaries. We have Scholesy, meself, Edwin, Gargoyle Gary and a heap of other youngsters who have the energy, the experience and the beautifully crafted calf muscles to get us to the top and keep us there. We don't fear City because of their incredible and stupefying mountains of cash.We are just comfortable being who we are, a side of young lads with little money and few pretensions. It serves us well and it obviously serves others well too as I keep getting these dirty-talk emails from my contacts at The Mirror, saying "can you come over and throw some more shit about City, cos it's nearly print run time? The usual lyrical, original, organic stuff will do".
Watersports & Psychiatry:
Gascoigne Found Walking Streets of Gateshead "Disillusioned and Disoriented"Fishing enthusiast and linguistics professor Dr Paul O'Gascoigne was this morning found walking the streets of Gateshead wearing a dressing gown and dangling a full roast chicken from the end of a fishing rod. "Moaty's gone, I think I'll have to eat it meself like" was all he would say. "You'll like this but pet, I've still got two cans of lager in the back of the car. in case he comes back."
Exclusive Section: Potato Bigged Up for Season Start Dimitar Berbatov exclusive pages 16, 17, 18: "Super Strong Wayne Will be Our Star: Rooney just Best in the World"
Exclusive: Rooney Exclusive: "Berbatov To Shine For Us This Season: Berbs Can be Anything He Wants"
Female Dispatch: Harry Redknapp beauty tips page 78, column 2, paragraph 14, lines 8 and 9
Literature, Critics, Tonights tv: "Jizz Better Than Pele", says ... Brown
|Brown: erudite, elusive, exclusive|
* Wesley Brown works tirelessly for the Help pandas to talk Society.
Music & Art: Tottenham Bans VuvuzelasA statement issued by Brawn Tempest of the Tottenham marketing department said: "Following discussions with the police and representatives from the local licensing authorities, the club will not be permitting vuvuzelas or similar instruments into White Hart Lane on match days in the coming season.We are concerned that the presence of the instruments within the stadium pose unnecessary risks to public safety and could impact on the ability of all supporters to hear any emergency marketing statements that it might be necessary to get to them during their 2010 - 2011 stadium experience."
|the uncovered section at Superstar Arena|
Legal News: recent law amendments - The parents of footballer B. McCarthy could be found guilty of neglect under the revamped obesity laws, a spokesman says. "Weight alone is not a reason for protection agencies to intervene, but if it makes the individual totally hopeless at what he's supposed to do for a living, then out with the cattle prods, teams of slathering lawyers and taxi to the High Court!"