Monday, October 4, 2010

Desert Dispatch: September

Barclay Premier League latest  -
Megabucks Manchester City have officially been induced into the Premier league Big Four after this weekend’s fixture with Newcastle saw them gain a penalty for a tackle that was both legal and outside the penalty area and avoid conceding a penalty for a tackle that was both illegal and inside the penalty area. The Dark Knight was heard to mumble: “Aye, they’re in with us now, for sure....”. Meanwhile, in Liverpool....

Health Beauty Body & Mind Dispatch:

How to have “Big Sam Self-Esteem” with the BigSamulator (c) 
“There is nobody quite like Big Sam. There is only one Sam Allardyce and that’s me. Nobody goes about his work quite like Sam Allardyce does.” This is the BigSamulator, a deluxe metal box with recordings from the master himself. Tip One: talk about yourself in the 3rd person. This makes you sound a little like Julius Cesar or Benito Mussolini. People fear men who talk like this. They have a deep feeling of instant respect and tangible uncertainty. They feel a strange longing in their trousers to be bossed around by you, preferably wearing leather jodhpurs and a rich cardigan made out of bakofoil. You have an aura, you command attention, you even smell slightly different. No longer the little man, you are BIG in every sense of the word. Now go out and kick some people wearing Arsenal replica shirts up in the air! The BigSamulator is available in all Woolworths stores and comes in slapstick pink, hard as nuts brown or denim.
BigSam: confident
The SmallSam, a garden gnome with a pointy bit in the front of his little blue enamel trousers, can be bought direct from at £9.99
Also in the shops: TheAnderson – makes you feel ten times the player you really are!
Legal Dispatch: Wengerboys To Be Sectioned
In an unusual development Raging Barndoor Stormin Norman Arsenal manager Wengerboys Arsene has risked his very liberty by STRIDING AGGRESSIVELY towards linesman Bob Pritchard and PUSHING HIM LIGHTLY IN THE SMALL OF HIS BACK yesterday during a match in the Barclay James Harvest Premier league. When the official, having steadied himself and popped his funny little pillbox hat back on, turned to face his assailant, the only person nearby was Wengerboys Arsene himself, who was CASUALLY STRUTTING AROUND in his manager box stroking his chin in a THOUGHTFUL GALLIC MANNER as if absolument rien was the matter. It is thought that the full drama of this exchange may well have been caught by the cameras and that Wengerboys will be brought to justice. This ends a week where the pointy nosed chief has been behaving more and more strangely. In the match with West Brom he was captured by cameras wearing a polkadot frock and the following week versus Wigan Pier he was seen walking the touchline with a fishing rod and a roast chicken....
Travel & Culture  - BALOTELLI BREAKS INTO PRISON - Megabucks bastard Manchester City striker Mario Balotelli has been quizzed by cops, after breaking into a WOMEN’S PRISON. The bad-boy, droopy trousers, rough & tumble, toast & marmalade Italy star, a £24m summer buy from Inter Milan, figured in a series of controversial on and off-field incidents ­during his time in Serie A and is keen to keep up his reputation for UNUSUAL & SUCCULENTLY media friendly capers. “I just wanted to see how it works in there,” said Balotelli with a generous smile. 
Hyperbole Section: 22 page pull-out: Elite Development Squad picture exclusive: The day our EDS boys took on West Brom in the League Cup and shook the world’s very foundations  Pictures of tomorrow’s stars today!
Literature & The Arts – Exclusive: Gazza’s Programme Notes, Day One, Garforth Town “There’s a nice boozer, an offy and a KFC....”
Travel News – Coleen Rooney looked drawn, preoccupied, strained, dishevelled, underweight, heavy of step, peculiarly orange and deeply stressed last night as she headed out of Heathrow Terminal 4 on her way to Bratislava, this year’s must have fashion accessory holiday destination. She had terrible dark patches under her eyes and looked thin, weak, palid, sordid and knotted in a pale green kaftan and Billy Bremner stack heels. It is thought she is going to Bratislava for a second honeymoon with footballer Wayne Rooney. * Bratislava is a small Georgian town on the edges of the Steppes of Mogadon, near the borders between the great eastern and western cultures. It rests uneasily on the shores of the River Chapstick. It has become popular in recent years for its 2nd century mosaiced city fortifications, the only known breeding grounds of the Unbelievable Eagle and an unrivalled array of boutique espresso bars and shoe shops. 
House & Home -  Find out exactly why Steven Ireland decided a black and white pool table with his own name across the baize was just what his living room was missing. What happens when slightly dim footballers allow slightly tasteless interior designers to run amok with gigantic budgets.
Tactics Corner – Exclusive Interview with Henry Mancini
“Henry, how’s tricks?”  - “Eeer, I tink eeer treeks eez eeeer very very good in the Barclay Premier League”
“Erm. Yes! City are improving gradually aren’t they?”  -  “Eeeer, yes, we improve. A lot. A little. We improve. This is important, especially in the Barclay premier league.”
“What do you put this down to, Henry?”  - “Eeeeer. I put it, eeer, I put eet down to we work a lot, with ball, without ball, ranneeng, jampeeng, this sorta theeng, all to be ready for big game in Barclay Premier league.”
"Ahem. Barclays!"
Our expert says:”Clearly somebody wearing a horsehair suit and dubious big-rimmed spectacles has told Mancini to up his sponsor-mention quotient (“SMQ”). Mancini’s SMQ in recent weeks has, according to Opta, been very low, slipping below that of Arry Redcap and Gareth Southgate (and the latter hasn’t even got a job). In a bid to rise up the table before Christmas, when Barclays traditionally send out their presents, Mancini is making a big effort to work some fluidity into his SMQ. It’s a simple tactic, never confuses the viewers and is absolutely sure to make the speaker look an utter dipstick. I think it has worked very well here”.

Tactics 2: Tackling With Nigel de Jong – Today: How to Puncture a Bus Tyre Using Your Teeth.
Psychiatry and WatersportsRooney and the World Cup Clap. Exclusive, Doctor Basil D’Oliveira looks into Hereditary Howler Monkey Syndrome, uncomfortable diseases transmitted through other people's cornflakes and why some men think they can get away with best everything.

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