|Balotelli: completely unhinged|
Sandwiches & Meteorites Section –
PAUL MERSON "AN OVERHYPED ALCOHOLIC DRUG USER" - exclusive interview with the bemeddled, star-spangled, top of the table England hero Glenn Johnson, the Man Who Has Won Everything There is To Win –P455.Tyres & Personal Hygiene Exclusive: DALGLISH THE SAVIOUR
The coronation of Kenny Dalglish, in the place of the unthroned Roy Hodgson, as manager of Liverpool football club, will now surely bring the loveable scouse club back to its rightful place in English football, which is 9th. Dalglish, who has not been a top flight manager since 1927, is expected to give the giant trophy-laden Scousers a real boost where it is needed. It is thought that he will appoint the important yet profoundly ungainly figure of Sammy Lee as assistant. Lee will, as usual, be in charge of agitated clapping and half time sandwiches. “Steve Clarke will be asked to organise team formation, whilst wee fat Sammy claps really fast in the background” said Dalglish yesterday through an interpreter.
Latest news. 2 minutes into Reign of King Kenny, Liverpool out of cup. A little bit later: narrow defeat at...Blackpool.
Crime Dispatch: WORLD CUP LATEST
|Blatters Dream Team in typical action|
Page 412 – Read our exclusive guide: Part Two of How to Survive at the Qatari World Cup if you are asthmatic and suffer from sand inhalation and alergies to dates and other dried fruit.
England friendly in Thailand called off, owing to failure of bribes network P203
|Lord Wright of Braintree|
FIVE CLUBS IN FOR JÔ!!!!! ENTIRE EUROPEAN SCOUTING NETWORK PUT UNDER STRICT SCRUTINY!!!!!
Travel Dispatch – 27 MILLION POUND DZEKO ARRIVES AT LAST!
EXCLUSIVE: Today is the first day at work of 27 Million Pound Edin Dzeko, the forward who will bring yet more attacking options to Bastard Cupcake Manchester City. When asked about his new club’s prospects, 27 Million Pound Dzeko said, “We have a good chance, yes”. It is clear that 27 Million Pound Dzeko will add some serious power and precision alongside the feeble and inaccurate Quarter of a Million Pound Jô. The Brazillian, formerly known as 18 Million Pound Jô, before it was realised that he had been overpriced by 17.75 million pounds, has been attracting a lot of interest from clubs during the transfer window, including Salzburg, who are looking for a replacement for Alan, who now lives in Gorton with his friends.
Parking the bus: In the wake of Gross Bastard Manchester City’s anaemic, tepid, luke warm and downright disgraceful, let’s be frank, performance at the Emirates Stadium, where a lusty, precocious, well-dressed and bob-tailed Arsenal were held to 0-0 by a slovenly, crude City team with their badly parked bus, many commentators and experts alike, including the ferociously incisive Brain Of Nani, have concluded that “the title is now clearly between Manchester United and Chelsea”. In his blog, world reknowned gust of wind frightener Nani proclaimed “there are only two who can win it now”. It is thought that United’s stunning and decisive two point lead is the most cavernous and gaping chasm since football records began in 1992.
|City's bus: a little skew-whiff|
House & Home - This month Steven Ireland shows us his Persian bejewelled skink-skin slippers, his monogrammed bronze and ruby bird table and walks us around his Black Rhinosaurus sausage factory.
Nutrition Dispatch: Doing the Poznan is good for you: by jumping up and down like a bunch of lunatics, you aid and swiften your stomach’s digestion of the seven pies and 11 pints of Stella you had before the game, says an expert.