Friday, April 29, 2011

Desert Dispatch - April

Darting on and off the Naughty Step
By Royston  Snood in The Fox and Crown
Madcap Bastard Manchester City will today demand at least three explanations from striker and looseleaf pamphlet Mario Balotelli as to why he threw a dart at youth-team players at the club's Carrington training academy, why he winked at Rio Ferdinand, hurting the England defender’s feelings and why he allegedly cheated at Pictionary yesterday. The incidents all occurred about twenty minutes after Italy Football Federation president Giancarlo Abete offered these wise words to the parking ticket-inundated-sloppy-limbed-lothario-cum-footballer “He still has some problems and lacks a little stability. He needs to mature still. We hope he grows and that the focus is placed on his technical ability. If he doesn’t we will see both his feet hanging out of the new bridge over the Straights of Messina. With the boots still on".

FLUSTERED and BEWILDERED Bastard City Manager Roberto Mancini told reporters that he was planning to attempt to discipline City’s unruly BARMPOT striker. Mancini told reporters, “Look. I try. I try to speak. Err with him. He jass say he hate me, and when I try again he bite me here, my finger, jass here, like tha, Baaa!. Go off. Get away er off my finger, you pancake.”
The decision by Madcap Manchester City’s ANXIOUS management team to be firm with the Italian was taken after previous methods had proved futile. “Well I take hi silly hat away,” said Mancini “and I take away his discman an the err car key, but then he look at me with those big soup spoon eyes. When I say –eet’s business Mario, no more sheet – the bottom lip it start to move like this. “Give me car key,” he cry like baby with no rigatoni  and only fat mamma who feed him biscotti”. Then Brian Kidd he give him big hug.

Match report: Blackburn 0 Chanting Vile Bastard Cheats 1

As the smoke swirled around Ewood Park, it was very clear, very very clear what would be the story in the morning’s papers: the vile and tedious chanting from the away end. It was the 5th minute of the match, tiny David Silva had just clipped the bar with a rising volley of sumptuous execution, when it began as a throaty rumble, developed into audible menace and then cascaded down the terraces as sure as an avalanche in the silly season in Courcheval. “Mancini. He comes from Italee. Now he’s Man Citee”. Bret Pipefish in the Telegraph was first to explode: “The City fans are constructing songs of such utter simplicity, such lack of whoomph, such disregard for stanza, syntax and rhyme that they should be  brought to book. This is appalling, truly.” Ian Ladylike followed up in the Mail: “This is a crime to the English language. I urge all clubs to allocate giant ear mufflers and Balotelli hats to all entering a ground where these vile and disrespectful people might be constructing football songs of this ilk.”

Gutted, Filleted & Grilled Haddock Section
The monosyllabic rant delivered to the Sky faithful in last week’s TV Classico were the only words Potato Wedge Rooney could find at the time. It has been confirmed by his lawyers that Wayne Potato’s heavy and abrupt discharge of Swamp English after scoring three goals against West Ham, contained nearly 75% of the words he has stored between his windmill shaped ears. “Er, I refute the disrepute,” Rooney whispered through an interpretor. “Fock.”. Questioned on whether he would do the same again if he scored against Schalke, Potato said, “Kinda. Fock. And. Then. Boh. Me advisers,” then keeled over with blue smoke coming from his U.S.A. belt buckle. 

Rooney has allegedly used swear words before
SUPPORT FOR BELEAGURED POTATO Ninny Nani Nonney of Manchester United has voiced his support of Potato, claiming that his team-mates were already well accustomed to fighting the behemoths of unpopularity and injustice. Ninny Nani Nonney’s CULTURED and STEADY OUTBURST came as team-mate Potato celebrated a goal at West Ham by exploding in a cloud of volleyed expletives to a live tv audience watching through the very camera that he had just covered in salt and vinegar crisps flavoured phlegm. “It was nothing.” said Noncey. “When we score goals, the celebration is for us, not for fans or other people. But Wayne is a superstar and everyone focuses on him. Why was everybody listening to our private celebration? To quote Pythagoras, they should just fuck off in a long straight line and do one”

Whilst it was evident that Rooney clearly resorted to most if not all of his favourite words in the outburst, leaving his after-match interview completely lacking in any adjectives, pronouns or linking devices and only one reflexive verb (“yous can fock yourselves”). “He has clearly run out of clean words,” whispered Basil Rathbone of Kings College London. “It is a shameful way to end up. We want children watching to enjoy constructing meaningful heartfelt and evenly organised sentences – not to run around spouting the very first obscenity that comes into their heads,” said Margaret Teacup of Croxteth Verbal Support..

“We are willing to offer Wayne some coaching, and hopefully within a year or two we could see his vocabulary extend to perhaps seven or eight easily recognisable words. One day he might even leave the present tense behind and attempt a bit of hypothesis about the future of the Balkan region or how a bath plug might be useful in a hurricaine”
Potato has until 6pm today to contest the charge of bringing the English language into disrepute, though he will be required to demonstrate the sort of vocabulary that, when added to other simple devices, can create a sentence of up to six words.

Bagels & Meteorites Section
TO BE KING & CAPTAIN - Gareth Barry cuts the kind of menacing no-nonsense figure, with his jutting jaw, his cream and green cardigan and his smart white plimsoles with a blue stripe that you might expect to bump into on the set whilst filming a particularly frightening bit of Pirates of the Caribbean. He could easily be a hardman from the wrong side of the tracks, a Sopranos-style drug-gambler-pimp or a Cromwellian hard hat leader with porridge and spittle all down his front. "I will be the same player as I always am, I will be the same midfielder, I will be the same Gareth Barry," he squeaked in those Churchillian tones we have come to love and tremble in front of. "I am captain, I am leader, I am Gareth”, he finished before storming off for another of those little white chocolate eclairs that he likes so much.

Wet Wipes and Inner Tubes Section:
BRAZIL NEWS WITH ADDED SNIDEY BIT ABOUT MAN CITY: Rogerio Ceni has become the first goalkeeper to score 100 career goals after scoring v Corinthians, exactly 97 more than Bastard Manchester City striker Jo.

RAMOS TO JOIN ARSENAL Sergio Ramos, who celebrated Real’s Spanish cup success by dropping the King’s Cup off the top deck of the bus, after Real Madrid’s defeat of Tiki Taka Athletic, is being lined up by Arsenal coach Wengerboys Arsene. “Here at Arsenal there is very little likelihood of Ramos dropping any trophies at all,” a club spokesperson whispered.

Dabo recovers
“I have never given my side of the story, but the truth is that he started the fight and I finished it. Frankly, Ousmane Dabo is a little pussy. It's him who hit me from behind with his hand. When he did that, I hit him back, full in the face, around the eyes a bit, twice on the nose and then finished him off with a slap with a spade and a few kicks when he fell down. Nothing too tasty, one to the top of the head and a scuffed one to his nose. It happened just like that, bang, bang bang and it was over. But I am no monster. I don't like fighting, but it's human to defend yourself. I grew up in a street where, if someone stole a Malteser off you, you took a gun to their testicles. Fair’s fair. If I am attacked, I defend myself and when you fight, there are no rules. You pull my hair, I remove your dangly bits".
Barton shoots off a few rounds
"At the end of the practice game, the defendant continued to be aggressive towards Mr Dabo and shouted at him: 'You're fucking sh*te.' Barton walked towards the player and continued shouting and swearing, the court heard. 'In the words of Ousmane Dabo, “Barton was snarling at me like a dog with a dose of that terrible debilitating disease that makes them froth at the mouth and shit in their own dinner and I believed he might attack me.” He said he pushed Barton by the shoulders to get him out of his personal space but was then punched to the right of his face to the top of his head and in the genitalia, had his ear pulled off and a lump removed from his buttock and lost consciousness. Dabo was taken to hospital, where he was found to have a trauma injury with severe bruising to his eyelids. He could not sleep for a week and suffered miserable lack of form in City’s Bermuda Triangle area in the centre of the park. It got so bad, that even Giorgios Samaras looked reasonably capable alongside that mutt", whispered an onlooker.

Bluff and Thunder Section – WORLD CUP WORRIES
If Qatar float manufactured clouds filled with helium over their stadiums in order to bring ambient temperature levels down to something closer to bearable, will the mixed zone for post match interviews be filled with wailing Qatari dogs, as they will be the only creatures left on the planet that can hear the frequency that Stevie “Me” Gerrard is transmitting at? asks a worried supporter, Fred Whisk

Tactics Truck: by Ulysees Pickup in the Rothbury Tavern

Eat my tactics!
Manchester Utd versus Bastard Manchester City Analysis – For this ultra crucial game Mancini, normally quite a careful coach, opted for plain out and out caution. Unlike Lallio Del Nerio’s ultra-fragrant Palermo Serie C title winers in 1964 and also Bob Murphy’s strong-running Stromgodset Scandinavian Summer Cup winners of 1911, basically the onus falls heavily on the lynchpin, in this case Yaya Touré, to run around using his giant hips to keep the opposition at bay. Arm-flapping nonces tend to just bounce off and overweight Brazilian also-rans begin to look like so many bowls of badly made –and indeed lumpy - custard. In this match this ruse disarmed the opposition defence (Scholes became so unhinged he sank his studs into Zabaletta, Ferdinand pretended to play like his brother and Carrick disappeared down the tunnel to phone his Mum in South Shields for advice). This eventually led to City’s Touré gaining some momentum and-when that happens- you know to get right out of the way.

In a further development a private celebration at the end of the FA Cup semi final, when madcap striker Balotelli tried to share an intimate moment with some of the crowd, was disrupted by the pushing and shoving of Rio Ferdinand and Niny Nani Noncey. “Its not fair to make fun of us like that!” shouted Noncey.

It is thought that FA may be ready to COME DOWN REALLY QUITE HEAVILY on Shoddy City, who were clearly bringing the game into disrepute on a NUMBER OF DIFFERENT LEVELS, amongst which winning a game they were supposed to lose, rubbing noses in it in a sly manner and celebrating with undue glee and attention. Gary Neville, who throughout an exemplary career, always refused to demean other teams’ supporters, was said to be “blimmin furious” at the turn of events and “stunned and gutted” that Balotelli had acted with “SUCH AN OBVIOUS LACK OF CLASS....”

Tunnels & Spacehoppers
Mike Phelan is a man who the nation has come to love. Those tuning in looking for Newsnight sometimes think he might be a gardener or a some kind of special Olympics pool disinfector. Now we hear that he may be on the verge of losing his weekly slot giving us Sir Fergus’s opinions in little 12 second slots. Sir Fergus, you see, might be coming back to the BBC. Please add your name to the Save Mike Phelan Appeal at the bottom of the page.

The man who put the Ball In Manchester United's net
Hyperbole Section: (this section has temporarily been closed down after running out of exclamation marks due to an unexpected success in the recent FA cup semi final (!) Ooh there’s another one.

House & Home -  This month Steven Ireland shows us his unrivalled Guatemalan long haired Macaque baboon toilet seat covers, his Elspeth Corker Bohemian wall shavings and walks us around his new mock Greco-Roman wrestling amphi-theatre built specially in the garden of his flat in central Gateshead. We also talk about how his career has really taken off since arriving in the North East.

NEXT MONTH: Mario Balotelli Interview: “Parking Tickets, va fan culo”

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