Thursday, April 7, 2011

Desert Dispatch - March

Snood Rage By Clare Snood in Rockhampton
Wrong supper drink
Then he stepped away manfully  and...toooosh! He was off down the tunnel as fast as you could say Tagliatelle Matriciana, a small gaggle of arm-waving advisers trailing in his wake. Then the moment of glory. Snood flying through the air like a discarded mortar shell, looping, cart-wheeling until it landed on the hard corridor tiles, alone, creased, abused and as lifeless as any piece of decorative/protective warm winter cloth could be. This was just straight knock out football. “I Jass say Knock out,” Roberto Mancini later stated. “Knock. Out.”. Egil Cuthbertz is Honorary Don in charge of scientific development at the University of Biology and Small Sprats at Malmo University and describes the phenomenon thus: the blood rushes around the edges of the snood causing what we call a strangulation effect on the brain cells in the lower pirinthium. Basically this means that a certain part of the brain governing logic, sideways movement and the correct ordering of chicken with rice is put out of action, disabling the owner of the brain/snood from correct and proper thinking. Depending where he or she is at the time of the air loss, it could lead to sudden falling down, jerking leg syndrome or a quick trip home with erroneously ordered pie and Vimto.
Bagels & Meteorites Section
The Player of theYear (POW) shortlist has been shortlisted, we can exclusively reveal. There was a mistake in the original list and, after brief consultation with the league leaders, we have the honour of re-publishing it. It reads thus: Vidic, Van der Sar, Nani, Giggs, Scholes, Hernandez. The winner will be announced on 14th April. and will of course be Gary Neville this year.
Wet Wipes and Inner Tubes Section:
Literally imprisoned
Colin Firth, nominated for Best Actor for his part in The King’s Speech just  pipped Yarmalenko of Dinamo Kyiv at the glittering awards ceremony hosted by Dame Jimmy Hill. Commentator and cultural icon James Redknapp said later “Yarmalenko has literally exploded the myth that Ukrainers cannot perform at this level. He has literally acted his socks clean off.”. In other news independent film maker Paulo Scholes was shortlisted for his cameo in “Hackfest”, a macabre short film about the final dying moments of Arsenal’s long painful quest for credibility, as they lost again at the Theatre of Dooms in amongst a scurry of well placed mistimed tackles from the producer himself.
Bluff and Thunder Section
Evans Is Just Not That Kind of Player –
from our special correspondent in Didsbury, Arthur Tarpaulin
In the wake of the unfortunate and slightly mistimed tackle allegedly carried out on Bolton’s Stuart Holden by straight-up Jonny Evans, which opened a can of worms and also the Bolton winger’s knee, Sir Fergus has stated that his tough tackling no-nonsense defender almost certainly is the target of a BBC-lead witch-hunt. “The foot’s a bit high, aye, but not near the thigh, its as easy as pie, one in the eye, and no need to cry. Now gae on an shite”, the knight of the realm said through an interpreter.
Tactics Truck: by Ulysees Pickup in the Rothbury Tavern

Far right of pic, you can just see Kolarov getting on the bus
Chelsea 2 Bastard Manchester City 0 - Analysis – For this crucial game Mancini, normally a slightly cautious coach, erred instead on the side of caution. With the stunningly flexible 4-1-1-0-0.-1-1-1-2. This has been attempted before in Luc Gavroche’s fragrant St Etienne side of 1983 and also Bobo Balkovitch’s awe-inspiring Lokomotiv Leipzig Trieste Summer Cup winners of 1931. Basically the onus falls heavily on the frontman, in this case Edward Dzeko, to run almost continually along the halfway line from one touchline to the other, flapping his arms like a distressed chicken. This disarms and humiliates the opposition defence (Terry was caught on more than one occasion doubled up laughing, Ashley Cole likewise pointing and looking puzzled). Whilst this is happening the overlapping fullback – in this case the super dangerous shooting machine Kolarov – should motor up the left (if he’s paying attention) into considerable space left behind by the confused and lightly inebriated Ivanovich. Unfortunately, in practice, what happened was this: Kolarov was facing in the wrong direction when he woke up (Micah Richards shouting at him), and by the time this simple error was eleviated, the Serb dynamo was on the number 23 bus halfway down Shoreditch Road. This eventually lead to City’s demise and a 2-0 reverse.
House & Home -  This month Steven Ireland shows us his unrivalled Tajiki mongoose skin pyjama bottoms, his Gorko Carabaccio renaissance glove drawer and walks us around his palatial new pink stone-washed mock Georgian townhouse in central Gateshead, where the next exciting chapter of his career is already well underway. That's well underway. He also shows us his stomach whilst out on the lash, but that’s another story.

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