Thursday, September 29, 2011


Señor Tevez,

I have written to you before ("Dear Carlos...", back in the days where we were still trying to understand each other) but this time it is something entirely different. This time it is personal, it's gone too far and there's no room for first names anymore.

You see, whilst we have desperately being trying to understand each other (you have been trying to understand my position, haven't you, Señor?), our relationship seems to have taken what the medical experts call "a distinct turn for the worse". It may not quite be on life support but that big bag full of apple juice hanging there is a saline drip. You know what that means, don't you? Let me explain the situation a little. I hope you will excuse me using English, a widely spoken world language, and presume that you will get my drift, understand the gist. If not, my lawyers will be happy to attach a Spanish translation at a small extra cost to your good self.

File under "Expenses: beer, pretzels"

Speaking of lawyers, the main body of this letter is in fact a statement constructed by them on my behalf, as I don't want this to turn into a slanging match, which it almost surely would if I was left to my own simple devices. So, here is what they have to say:

Bell, Doyle, Pardoe & Book Associates at Law
CLAIM FOR COMPENSATION: €1500 Travel expenses, accommodation, food and
ahem- drink, plus emotional and / or psychological damage, stress, distress, time off work, ridicule from colleagues, barmy emails etc. 


1) This is to notify you that our client wishes to issue a claim for compensation, owing to the fact that, having spent the heretofore mentioned sums, hereafter named "the almost total utter waste of money", on a long, arduous, complicated, time-consuming, harrowing and, last but not least, expensive trip to the city of Munich, Southern Germany, to see you and your colleagues play in the UEFA Champions League Football Tournament (C), and having watched his team, Manchester City lose to a well organised and superior opponent, discovered that the shambolic substitutions during aforementioned match were down partly or totally to your own refusal to take to the pitch when your employers deemed it necessary.This, in itself an act of flagrant and rumbustious non-alignment with team needs, was worsened by the unlawful drugging of Mr Samir Nasri's pre-match ice tea, causing him to believe he was Ged Brannan for long spells of the first half. 

The breach of your own contract set down in 1) set a precedent, a chain reaction, if you please, involving my client and many thousands of others in the same or similar situations. That being that my client, hereinafter referred to as "Busted Flush", having spent time, monies, energy and spiritual and psychological resources to be present at said competitive event, was witness to a non-event, or at least an event lessened in its authenticity by the non-compliance of Señor Tevez to his work contract, and the mutually agreed obligations therein, with Manchester City football club, in effect rendering my client's own three day absence from his workplace an act of in flagrante fraud itself. Waving one's arms and grinding one's not in considerable lower jaw just made everything much worse, resulting in the normally peaceful Mr E. Dzeko to self-combust dangerously close to his colleagues. 

3) Dereliction of duty. Breach of contract. Non-compliance. 2nd degree via via embezzlement (made this one up). Your acts have, for twelve months or so, proceeded to explore the very outer limits of what might be deemed contractually acceptable behaviour, by an individual or an employee in the light of the law, as it stands in the European Community vis-à-vis contractual obligation to perform duties to an employer. Your indefensible behaviour in Germany NOW JUSTIFIES A CLAIM FOR COMPENSATION OF SAID MONIES, SPENT IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT ALL EMPLOYEES OF MANCHESTER CITY WOULD BE AVAILABLE FOR WORK DUTY, IF DEEMED NECESSARY BY THEIR DIRECT MANAGER OR SUPERVISOR AND THAT ALL EMPLOYEES WOULD TRY THEIR DARNDEST TO SMACK ONE IN THE OPPONENT'S ONION BAG. As Law 3111.08 of the 1958 amended contract law of the UK Government Constitution states, "all persons of able body shall be required to work time, shifts or small periods or phases... as of the contractually agreed points laid out for both employer and employee in said work contract, especially if Gareth Barry is being given the runaround, a chasing and/or made to look pedestrian by a small Frenchman with daft hair. In the event that Yaya Touré loses his compass bearings entirely at the same time as the above, we reserve the right to double compensation and a lot more beer...".

4) In light of above, compensation is sought to lighten the psychological and economic carnage inflicted upon my client by your actions or - in fact - non-actions in the aforementioned scenario. A lot of beer was spilled, Sauerkraut was eaten on the premise that it was the culturally correct thing to do - despite the obvious and various dangers to the consumer's well-being - and local barmaids were spoken to in a controversial and chummy manner. None of which would have happened if prior knowledge of your dicky fit had existed.

5) In light of possible complaints that the defendant was acting on either a) The Law of the Jungle, b) The Law of Fuerte Apache (it has a law? Any laws at all?) or c) The Law according to Kia Joorabchian, we the undersigned hereby revoke our spiritual attachment to The Football Club and any individuals understood to give The Same a bad name. 

6) Gah, ok, in the obvious event the undersigned just cant seem to get The Football Club out of his system, thus rendering 5) wholly ineffective, it is stated that note has been taken of the defendant's behaviour and, in the event that his sticker appears in any of the plaintiff's sons' Panini Champions League Albums, said sticker will go directly and swiftly into the kitchen bin.


  1. Yes Simon, told as seen. Luckily though it was a good trip and we didn't know about this debacle in the stadium until the coach to the airport although the antics of Herr Dzeko were not amusing...

  2. No condoning Dzeko either, but with Tevez and his antics, up to now the message is clear: do what you want, you'll get away with it. Line must be drawn straight and swiftly right here.


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