Monday, October 10, 2011


Joseph Barton yesterday
AN APOLOGY The Desert Dispatch regrets that the actions of a few misguided louts during the summer made it impossible to publish as usual during June and was it July and perhaps even August. Owing to the rank misbehaviour of one such behooded youth, our office window was smashed and the Mother Computer stolen, resulting in the loss of vital data and my interesting photograph collection (mainly of rare butterflies but nevertheless...). Police are looking for a young man with a stacked, gelled and obscurely constructed quiff and what might loosely be called "a Liverpool accent" last seen using his computer (our computer more like) to communicate through Twitter “like an over-excited ten year old might”. The texts of various love poems, some deeply incoherent book reviews, The World Compendium of Quotes for Quoting and an old Scrapbook of Nietzsche and Simone de Beauvoire cuttings were stolen. 
Did he wipe away a tear as the Giant Fokker GF33 took to the grey-laden sky this evening or was it a spec of dust? Did he wave a little St George’s flag or was it just a hanky with a splatter of nose-bleed in the middle? Did he write “love you” in the condensated window or did it say something else less fragrant back to front? Was that a smile playing across his lower jaw or was he having his usual problems with the airline lasagne? Did he leave each supporter who made the trip to Munich a little envelope containing a few pennies as a gesture of contrition or was it just the key to his Bismark Humdinger 4x4? We will possibly never know, but he sure did leave a nasty smell behind in Terminal 3.

ENGLAND CALLING by Excited Dicky O’Donnald of The Mirror
After their scintillating league cup win over downtrodden and humdrum Leeds, it came as quite a SHOCK that Michael Owen didn’t get a long overdue and well deserved call up to play for England again. He has shown time and again that there is not a better and more clinically adept footballer who plays three times a season anywhere in Britain and probably the world. A call-up would almost certainly have put him in the running for Player of the Year too, but CRUSHINGLY this will all be put on ice until he POPS UP AGAIN sometime in March to notch the third goal in a 5-0 win at Fulham. In the meantime all votes should be diverted to Ryan Giggs as usual.


Carlos Tevez has been feted on arrival in Katakunga National Park, where thousands of local children people have made the 30 - 55 kilometre...22 - 34 mile trek, stagger, arid walk across barren wasted yet strangely peaceful scrubland with 50 degree heat, hot, hoover, no water and the ever-present threat of attack by lion, cheetah or scurrilous bugs, bugles and candyfloss salespeople. Carlos said on arrival/departure: "I am happy/sad to be here and it makes me want to believe/chuck up in this fucking heat. If it wasn't for Colonel Gadaafi and Nicolae Caeucesu and Phil Neal, this continent or quarry or very deep pit with water in it would be a nice and voluptuous place to have a weekend break/mushroom omelette in. Oooh, my kidneys/intestines/home made apple pie! Mancini you are a very unkind man" (this translation delivered by *Joorabchian2011TranslatorSystem* 

GUEST PIECE by Mark Church Organ of the Daily Telegraph
SCHOLESY UNDERSTANDS DEMENTED TEVEZ  It seems such a vast barren horribly empty space of time since Paul “Scholesy” Scholes, that archetypal footballers’ footballer hung up his boots and how we all deeply and dearly miss him... (Oh, Christ, get him off, pull this piece please, tell him the cheque’s in the post – Ed)

When you turn Rooney upside down, the effect is stunning
HAIRY ALLOVER  After Wayne Rooney’s hugely successful hair transplant, the results of which prove that it is after all possible to waste more money than Victoria Beckham on vacuous vanity projects that make you look even more stupid than when you FIRST STARTED, it is being reported by some sources that ex-Manchester Utd footballer turned impartial Sky football pundit Gary Neville will be next to prostrate himself under the surgeon’s trembling TWEEZERS. Rooney, meanwhile, has been FORCED to have his hair DYED after the £30,000 transplant caused the bare scrub that was left to go GREY. We asked Forbes Phillipson Carcrash of Hair for Men to run his man eye over the new Rooney. “Why bother touching up your hair for thirty grand when your head’s like a giant potato?" he asked us. "The poor dear’s face looks like three-day-old snow after someone’s had a dump in it”.
Neville Junior, meanwhile, whose heroes in 80s Bury included Ron Atkinson, Arthur Albiston and Remi Moses, all of whom carried massive bushy facial and cranial furniture around the grounds of England at one time or another (Atkinson’s famous roll-over the top hair do featured finely interwoven hairs from 85 MONGOLIAN RED PANDAS and his mocassins were constructed from the finest platypus bladder.)  was beset with acne and whispy hair - known as bumfluff in the medical profession- as a teenager and, whilst the greasy SPOTS eventually cleared up, he has carried the Other Burden with him into his late 30s. "Some males just never get beyond producing the little daisy tufts that look like they have sprouted from a pre-pubescent girl's armpit," said Carcrash. The painful medical procedure he may well go through requires tough, dark hairs to be taken from another part of the donor’s body and transplanted one by one into the upper lip of the patient. “In this case I think it’s safe to say we’ll just delve into his underpants and see what we can find.” said eminent physician Padraig Crerand.

Old rascal Sepp Blatter's newly arranged "council of wisdom" whose job it will be to advise the FIFA president on how to speak at the top of his voice when allegations of corruption are put to him, are to be joined by new members. Unsure as to whether the weighty intellect and hearty vocal chords of Henry Kissinger, Johan Cruyff and Placido Domingo would suffice, word on the street in Zurich is that they will be joined soon by Sacha Distell, Eddie the Eagle and the Archbishop of Galway, the very reverend Terry  and June, to bolster the ranks with a touch of theatricality, yarn spinning and TOUGH REALISM. In another scintillating development, the FIFA executive appointed to head the Olympic football tournament in London is still under investigation by the International Olympic Committee's ethics commission over corruption allegations, a spokesman for the IOC has confirmed. Itsa Potato, the president of the Confederation of African Football, has been appointed by Fifa to head the organising committee for the tournament and as the new chairman of the Goal Bureau, which distributes Fifa money for development projects. That’s “distributes FIFA money for development projects”. Selection Board member Ronnie Corbett said, “It’s the way we tell them. Most people were laughing when they heard we are all comedians on the selection board. Well they’re not laughing now! Boo-boom”.

Ah yes. Well, no. But, there again. No, definitely not. 'Kin thruppeny bit.

Smallish Tottenham Hotspur midfielder Luka Modric has aimed SHARP criticism at Spurs Chairman Daniel Levy after he went back on a deal to allow Modric to break his own contract with the club. The tiny Croatian Mastermind contestant was BITTERLY CONFUSED and AWFULLY UPSET after having his earlier agreement with the chairman reneged upon. “If this is how chairpersons around the football world are going to behave, I fear for the sport,” he giggled seriously. “Showing a modicum of decency and understanding would have allowed me to leave this glorious club for one even more glorious. Where’s that upright British behaviour when you need it,” he sqeaked excitedly. “One broken agreement should not necessarily lead straight to another one. Otherwise we are all in a pickle of eggs and cauliflower,” he said before driving off in his Tritonia Humdinger 4x4, trailing many cans of pop and other fruit-flavoured light refreshments from the back bumper.

Manchester City forward Carlos Tevez will not be here any longer than necessary after he fired off another BROADSIDE about living conditions in Manchester. “Nothing has changed,” said the little striker, fondling his beard. “Manchester is still as stinking awful as it was last year and the year before that.”. I was brought up in a slum in Buenos Aires and cannot adjust to this kind of place at all. Nothing could have prepared me for what I found here when I first arrived”. Speaking of Manchester’s two restaurants, Tevez explained: “I no like chicka tikka massala and I no like fishy chips”. 
No like it
Tevez told the press that “my family is very important to me, or at least some of them. Those small ones in the tennis socks. They cannot live here. It is full of English and Manchestrians. It is not just the food. It is the weather, the luxury hotels, people bowing and scraping and shaking hands all the time. It’s the club falling over itself to accommodate even my most stupid whims. I am an Apache not an Afghan hound. I need open spaces not MUSHY PEAS on a big plate.” (through an interpreter)
POSTSCRIPT: After his interview, Tevez left with the squad to play in Munich. Or not play. It turned out to be the latter, although it was a close run thing, when Mancini pulled him to his feet and tried to unzip his tracksuit. Like any decent four year old, Tevez immediately put a plan into operation: SPAGHETTI LEGS and SLIPPERY ARMS. Unable to get him to his feet, Mancini took the only option open to him: Aleksander Kolarov.

Afterwards, Bill Buggermee of Ancoats said: “I can understand Carlos’s predicament. You have to put yourself in his shoes. I mean, us lot, we just turn up drink and shout a lot. We’ve just spent an entire month’s salary to be here tonight and personally, I’ll never forget the show Tevez put on for us. His spirit is just on another level, isn’t it?”


The donuts: clearly the hole has been stolen
Manchester United goalkeeper David de Gea, allegedly caught stealing a donut or doughnut from an Altrincham supermarket, has been acquitted by local magistrates after it was found the case for the prosecution had a hole in it. An alleged assault on a fig roll was curtailed when De Gea realised just in time that it tasted of tar. The disappearance of a slice of Battenburg from Timperley High Street is also being treated as suspicious.


Titus Bramble would like to assure all fans, particularly of his current club Schlunderland, and his former club Newpinkrodents that the alleged drugs found on his person have had no effect on his playing style whatsoever. Dwooob dwooob.

Carlos Tevez arrived unexpectedly in Kitakunga National Park late last night, where the locals turned out in force to dance around him and wave coloured sticks with crepe paper at him. Due to a mistranslation by one of his crack team of aides, they now believe he is The Rice God.


  1. Buster Phillips eh? England's first ten million quid footballer. Our plumber told me he lives down the road from us (I'm in Frome) in a small village called Rode. No idea what he's up to but I'll report back if I can be bothered to chase it. 'Kin thruppeny bit is indeed the sum of Buster. He doesn't even appear to be playing for Frome Town.

  2. As soon as alan ball saddled him with that tag, he was done for. You could see the confidence draining out of him. I remember him hitting the post against Blackburn when it was easier to score and Gio Kinkladze just standing there looking at him, thinking "and I have to carry this lot...". If you dig him out, ask him some questions and I'll post your findings here! Would love to hear his opinions on city at that time and what kind of a mentor Old Squeakie was...


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