Sunday, August 25, 2013


tan trousers rising
Sunday 25th August 2013
Cardiff 3 Manchester City 2
Goodison, Bloody Fraser Campbell (2) - Dzeko Wallop, Negredo Bang
Att: a little over 27,000 squawking, hooting maniacs


THE BEGINNING: Season 2013-2014's first away test. Into the Valley for the first time since 1993. Memories of Nathan Blake's curler, barbed wire fences and huge chunks of airborne Welsh masonry. 

Paul Simpson and Kenny Clements in a threadbare 2-2 draw in 1985 at Maine Road on the autobahn (hard shoulder) to promotion. Bobby Mac and Tricky Trev getting the goals in the FA Cup in1982. 

THE MIDDLE: Gary Medel v David Silva. Toblerone Headed Killer versus Tufty the Rabbit. How to play Manchester City when the central defence comprises J Lescott and J Garcia. Nine behind the ball and, when suddenly and fortuitously, in possession, lamp it upfield to quicksilver Fraser Campbell. Wait for ten seconds to allow to set before eating. 

City's possession qualifies them for ownership of the ball when the game is over. Dzeko and Negrdeo net beautiful goals. Silva shimmies like Scarlet O'Hara to Gary Medel's Hound of the Baskervilles. Cardiff cunningly win the game. 

THE END: A single spotlight falls on, consecutively, Joe Hart, who is doing his hair with an anti-dandruff comb, Javi Garcia, who is still trying to catch Campbell to shake his hand, and Vincent Tan, who is pulling his pants just another centimetre higher than they were before. Eyes begin to water, but pants hang on gamely to Vince's Peking duck midriff.

Blake House
THE STAT: City 637 passes/ 561 of which reached their target - 88% Cardiff 264 passes/191 - 72%. Just what does this mean? It could be Sanskrit, but I'm not sure..

THE QUOTE: "And the Premier League's most expensive team undone by little Cardiff...." - Alan Parry passes gate 3016 as he continues down the boreothon giant slalom.

"Where were you when you were shit...?" - Cardiff crowd with the unintended double-whammy backward irony song. 

THE LIST: On The Skids in the Valleys

Into the valley
Betrothed and divine
Realisations no virtue
But who can define
Why soldiers go marching
Those masses a line
This disease is catching
From victory to stone
Ahoy! ahoy! land, sea and sky
Ahoy! ahoy! boy, man and soldier
Ahoy! ahoy! deceived and then punctured
Ahoy! ahoy! long may they die
Out of concealment
Blank and stark eyed
Why so uncertain
This culture deceives
Prophesised, brainwashed
Tomorrow's demise
All systems failing
The placards unroll
Ahoy! ahoy! land, sea and sky
Ahoy! ahoy! boy, man and soldier
Ahoy! ahoy! deceived and then punctured
Ahoy! ahoy! long may they die
Time for the audit
The gathering trial
A collector's dilemma
Repositioned and filed

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