Wednesday, April 30, 2014


Symons: cut out and keep UCL souvenir
UEFA have announced strict sanctions against Manchester City this morning. The artificially sustained Premier League outfit will from next season only be allowed to take part in the Champions League with a squad of nine players (see full list below) and will be fined the equivalent of the price of Sheikh Mansour's tractor lawnmower (the one for the front lawn, not the golf course).

Michel Platini opined: "Are they breaking accounting rules? Je ne suis pas tres certain. Are they arranging some cuisine around their books? Quite possibly. On verra. In the meantime this will give them time to think and time for manchester United to regenerate...."

Brannan: "...absolutely ready . (....)..for the challenge."
City have announced that they will not appeal, have already transferred the cash to Lausanne, have sent both letters of apology and gratitude to Platini and Gianni Infantino, UEFA's Head of Little Plastic Balls and have this morning announced that the squad is in place for the tilt on the European crown. It will be:

(GK) - B. Siddall

(D) - K. Symons
(D) - A. Nuttall (signed from Heaton Park Strollers)
(D) - V. Kompany (capt)
(D) - A. Kernaghan

(MF) - B. Gazprom (forced offloading from Zenith, who were also hit hard)
(MF) - G, Brannan

(S) - B. Taylor
(S) - G. Taylor

It is thought that it is in attack that City will feel the pinch most, although some are already saying the goalkeeping department looks decidedly average too, given that Joe Hart and Costel Pantilimon will only be able to start domestic games next season. Meanwhile a surprised and elated Ged Brannan stated that, "I will be ready by August and fans can expect the same level of concentration and finesse that they always saw from me." Kit Symons was unavailable for comment as he had smashed an attempted clearance into his own nose during a kickabout in his back garden and was heavily bandaged when we contacted him. Head Coach Manuel Pellegrini said, "We will play our usual game and we will have a chance like the others, no?"


  1. Och, ahm very upset, no place for me in the team is'nie?

  2. No Parlane, no Tolmie. That's the rule.

  3. this will actually please the miserable numpty in block 217 who harks back to the good old days of division 3 ? FFS !


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