Sunday, February 28, 2010

Desert Dispatch December 2009

“TEAR DOWN THE BANNER!” irreverent Mancini faces fa rap for very rude outburst

Robert Mancini, the new coach at Megabucks Manchester City, today faces an FA ban for his incendiary comments regarding the decorations at rivals Manchester United’s stadium. In an unprecedented outburst by the fiery Southern European, mancini insisted that “he would scale the walls myself, rip up that blasted sheet and stuff it into the trousers of so-called Sir Massive Ferguson” Gary Neville, an ex-reds player was first to react, saying “This is right out of order really. I think he’s just gone and lost the plot, the Italian. You can’t go around goading another team like that, especially when it’s United. Sir massive is downstairs now throwing things at the wall. He’s organised lawyers and everything. He’s really really upset this time. We’ve got Anderson crying again and nobody can translate what the gaffer’s said for Low Flung Parts to understand. It’s just straight out of order.” Sir Booby Charlton called for Mancini to resign. “You know it’s one thing after another. We had the good grace to ignore those posters about tevez and now this. I just don’t know what the game’s coming to, I really don’t. It’s a sad moment when we can’t have a bit of fun anymore.” Billy Bedstead from prestwich said, “We stand full square behind Robert. There are thousands of us waiting with our scissors and we’re ready to travel whenever he gives the go-ahead. It’s a democracy and if we want to tear that shit right off the front of the stand, that’s what we will do. We fear nobody. It feels like the day Ceausescu was nailed to that wall in Bucharest!”

Jizz Wins Nobel Peach Prize by Albert Camus on Route 66

Manchester United superstar and fireside rug impersonator, Bryan Jizz, has been awarded the Nobel Peach Prize. Panel chairperson Brick Gadget summarised, “This is a man for our generation, who clearly is a darling to the masses, has very very firm chest hair and can be considered something of a one-off”. It is thought that other contenders for the coveted prize, awarded to whoever the panel thinks has contributed most to maintaining or constructing very strong all-over body hair and world peace in the previous 12 months, included gory Neville, Sir Massive Ferguson and Sir Rio Pertinent, all top draw sportsmen in the United Kingdom. It is the first time in the prize’s history that someone who cannot write or speak properly has been elevated in this way. Looking wet and ashamed, Jizz said “Me man. You know. Brilliant”.

TEVEZ WORTH THE MONEY By Nelson Bastard In Cordoba

In an untypical development, there has been an outbreak of scurrilous articles in the local press here, purporting to be written by people who are “football experts” that Carlton Tevez, the journeyman footballer, is actually worth the money paid by Manchester City for him in the summer. When approached with this news, Ian McGarry, a prominent historian, linguist and philosopher and key holder of the British library archive, said “Stunned. Flabbergasted. Gutted. To suggest that anybody discarded by Manchester united could be worth having is, in my holy opinion, nonsensical balderdash”. Tevez, a cast off from Manchester united, has not scored a single goal since his transfer, and is now only famous for wearing a Patagonian fishing net on his head the day he signed for Megabucks Manchester City.

Wengaboys: He Went Nuts! By Gideon Lampstand, The Voice of Reason:

In a moment of candour at the end of the Liverpool-Arsenal cliff-hanger, it was revealed by the London club’s tough-as-teak, tackle till you drop, bobble hat wearing, non-nonsense, rugged, not-a-cry-baby-at-all captain Linoleum Guileless that Wengaboys Arsene, the Arsenal coach had attempted the “Machine A Secher les chevaux” on his witless squad ,”Our manager, an erudite and candid man, with a degree in bio-physics and his own library at home, talked to us at half time in quite a stern voice, saying that if we didn’t pull our fingers out, he would twist our ear lobes one by one, throw a nearly full plastic cup of organic juice at each of us and then throw his hat up in the air”. Guileless continued, “Some of the younger lads were so scared by his threats of brutality that they were close to tears. Almond Traore had to be consoled by his mother and Bacardi Cola soiled himself”. Wengaboys Arsene is thought to be the first football manager to threaten the positive outcome of the Copenhagen Climate Change Summit by blowing so much hot air across the north of Europe, the Baltic sea rose three feet. It is thought to be the first time Wengaboys has attempted to mimic the well-known routine of his counterpart and great friend Sir Massive Ferguson, who is famous for spit roasting youth team players and making sandwiches out of their leftovers. ► How to produce your own Machine a Secher Les Chevaux:, swearing in French without making an arsene of yourself, brief history of risqué parlour music from Deauville, what to say when a Frenchman breathes garlic in your face, how to look angry and intimidating whilst using polite words in a clipped accent, top ten party villain disguises, five restrained phrases including the word “derriere”, saying “pardon” without losing face, complete pull-out guide see Pages 57 - 64

RIF RAFA AND TIGER TO SWAP JOBS by Hughie Green in Mogadishu

In a developing development, it has been announced by George Skinty, the mayor of Anfield, that Rif Rafa Benitez, the ruddy-faced, acerbic, Olé calypso, binbag, pinstripe Liverpool boss is to swap jobs with the world famous endurance athlete Tiger Woods. Said Skinty, “Woods has revealed a side to his nature that will sit well with the prospective Premier League champions that we surely are. We need to pull teams pants down and give them a good seeing to, grope around in the dark, reach for the Kleenex and then do it all over again to the next team that passes in front of us. Woods will give us the energy and never-say-stop momentum to really have a bang at the top four. With him holding everything in his hands, we would have given Birmingham a complete tonking, that’s for sure”. Edna Hailstorm, Woods’s pretty Swedish wife was tight-lipped about the prospect of Rif Rafa Benitez arriving at the private putting green in Sacramento to start his new career as a tea caddy.

Clatterberk: I Don’t Like Them

The entire football world was preparing for fireworks this weekend, after top referee and human vanity project Bart Clatterberk was said to have told people in his local branch of Waitrose that he “didn’t like Tottenham Hotspur much”. Whilst hanging wistfully over a mound of parsnips, the top whistler and popular-with-the-ladies-30-something-year-old lothario was also heard to say “How do they put up with that arsecrack Redknapp twittering at them in his cockney accent?” It is thought that Caterwail, who is set to referee this weekend’s match between Spurs and Fulham, might be tempted to send off some of the home team’s players or even their wobbly jowled flickery faced manager simply because they are not his favourites, rather than waiting for them to commit a heinous foul or swear at his assistant. “It’s happened before. He’s got previous”, said Barry Bosch of Withington.

Respond here :

Tilly Templar, Gothenburg, Sweden – I all for referees getting off the pitch the players they are not liking. Like this we can watch only nice players that are behaving to the norms of human respectability as set out by kant, Mendelssohn and Lenny Kraits

Freeyourhead, Margate – Bellamy twat send away lol.

Avrotrust in it, East Ham: Codswallop you tink ur agamenon or summink? Salt of de earth Bellamy and Clapperstick’s a tossa

Lurpakman, Finsk: You all missing point. City are being give better treatment because Abu Dubie money. Its makes senses thew my spectacles.

Doilie, Cork: Come on you Reds. Its not that bad. Berby’s coming into form and the sale of nani will bring in shedloads of cash

Jimmy Shu, Hanoi: Me again in Far East Hanoi. My love United for Fergie, love for neville and Berby goals, keeping dogs away from cook and still we doing united wins. Up you reds and come on! Gary Neville I like I like, put foot in put face hair put great energetic love. I cock of north too.

Arsenic, Bangor Pier: Doilie, good man. What you reckon 500,000 for nanny, bag of bassetts for Anderson? Could sell Obertan to Tussauds for melting.

BREAKING NEWS: GROUP OF EXTREMISTS ARRESTED IN WOOTON BASSETT FOR PARADING DOWN THE HIGH STREET IN MANCHESTER UNITED SHIRTS. “It’s a democracy. We can do this if we like”, one was heard to shout as he was carried away.

O’Carthy Talking Sense as Usual
Wolves manager and star of the All-in-one-Go anti dandruff adverts, Mick O’Carthy finally spoke last night at the same time breaking his silence on the controversial topic of his team changes for their game at Man United. “Where I come from, you call a spade a spade” said the manager “and our side is what you might politely call shite. Ner way were we going to get anything other than the turds kicked out of us over there. So I saved the lads the embarrassment and put out our reserves, who are even more shite than the other lot. If you’re going to get beat, yer might as well do it properly”. O'Carthy has two o levels in applied mathematics and German History and an HND in face painting.

Related Blogs

PlasticBertrand Pronounces Boreopa League a Smash-hit by Dennis Leman in Geneva

With Everton’s stunning 1-0 reverse to Bate Coleslaw still wet on everybody’s lips, Michael PlasticBertrand, head honcho at UEFA, has proclaimed himself “pleased no delighted” with the popularity of the Boreopa league. “The idea was to give the Bate Coleslaws of this world a chance on the big stage and my word mon dieu haven’t they just taken that chance and eaten our hands off at the same time,” spluttered a clearly overwhelmed Plastic. “More games equals more sleep for hard pressed fans. Some of those chaps had travelled all the way from the Eastern republics, Transalvania, Trumpton, all over the place. They deserve some sleep just like Sepp Blatter deserves his little naps. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go and reorganise football with Slippio Berlusconi and Roman Abramovitch”.

Ring the Bell, Close the Door, Snuff the Candle, United are Dying
By Harry Manilow > Chief Sports Writer » in a snowdrift on Deansgate

As the cries from that nousiest of football crowds, the greater Old Trafford public, reach a clamour, it is clear that Sir Massive Ferguson has reached the end of the long, winding road. As Bart Filth from Adelaide became the 410th caller to BBC radio’s 606 call-in programme to demand the old man step down with immediate effect, it must be dawning on the grizzled, purple-nosed Glaswegian himself that all is now lost. The 30 million pounds he spent on mobile cushion cover Dimitar Berbatot, the kings ransom given to FC Porto for Pam Ayres look- and play-alike Andypanderson, the prancing skittle they playfully call Ninny, the decrepit yellow card machine Paul Stools, the prancing rocking horse Neville and the bunch of no-hope kids, who shame that same academy which spewed out Gloryballs and Olly Summer Solstice, Neville Neville and Micky Butthead in the Great days. Now we look on in awe at Darren Gibbon, Wellfed and a French boy called Overload with a head like a water melon. Even the shine has gone from Mike Phelan’s fat bonce, the snarl has left the grubby face of Mr Potato. The whiff of decay was there long before little 3rd division minnows Leeds United put Sir Massive’s reds out of the Cup. I spoke to long time United watcher and pundit Lei Lou Macari from Pnom Phen. “It Ferguson stink like rotting koi,” he said, “It go, must be quickly”. Meanwhile at MUTV a blank screen met literally millions of subscribers as they tuned in at breakfast time for Paddy Crerand’s Super Bacon Sandwich Show. A tiny banner at the bottom of the page read TEMPORARY MALFUNCTION, WE’LL BE BACK ONE DAY. LONG LIVE JI SUNG PARK. It may be quite some wait in this cold, desolate little corner of the premiership.

No Go Jo by Peter Piranha in The Amazon Basin

Everton manager David Noise yesterday admitted that he had been in telephone contact with absent striker Jo to see if there was still room in his holiday bungalow in Recife. “I asked if his spare bedroom was already taken,” said Noise, “Anywhere will do to get away from this place but he said I couldn’t come because I had been horrid to him and besides Piers Organ and his friends had just arrived for a fortnight’s giant squid hunting on his boat The Brazen Humdinger”. Noise, himself no stranger to fishing for big blubbery objects, elected to stay on Merseyside instead and table a bid for Jonjo O’shea.

Desert Dispatch January 2010

“It’s Brand Loyalty, Stupid” Gary Foot-and-Mouth pipes up again

Megabucks Barmy Manchester City, already reeling from their Carling Cup collapse at old Trafford, have Uberboss Gary Foot-and-Mouth to thank for steering the ship back into calmer waters. Visiting supporters in the Cretin’s Leap pub in Dar-es-Salaam, Foot-and-Mouth said, “This is the second supporters bar to be awarded Manchester United Meeting Place status and I am delighted to say, here and now, on and off the record, to that camera over there and to the three of you at the bar, that United will soon be the very biggest name in world football. If it weren’t for Milan bottling it over kaka and us having to play Benjamin instead, we would already be there. At least we are going to win the FA Cup and you can quote me on that! Cheers, everybody”

Terry BinBag Skinty Love Triangle!!

We can sensationally lift the lid and uncover the pack of festering rodents after it was revealed in an under the table sting operation conducted by our reporters Phil Marlowe in Chessington World of Adventures and Dixon Dockleaf in Alderley Edge that England captain John Cherry had had an illicit affair with RifRafa Binbag Benitez, who he met during an illicit undercover, no-holds-barred private tour of Stamford Bridge. A spokesman said, “We have seen them here frequently, holding hands, smelling of cheap gin, whispering and giggling as they saunter through Idle Valley, the big park by the river. They looked very in love, if a little drunk. Last month Cherry took Binbag around the ground. They seemed to be having a lot of fun, until Binbag saw the bill”. In another development, RifRafa Benitez’s ex, Barnyard Soltidorè, an organic farmer and tartan sock model from Cadiz, was seen holding hands with Delamere Skinty, the foul-mouthed son of Liverpool FC’s owner Sir Tom Skinty, who himself is no stranger to women who wear their hair up. Skinty Junior, whose dog Fabulous was discovered drowned in the Mersey yesterday, bloated from decomposition and almost unrecognizable except for its Stetson and loud jewelry, has denied any wrongdoing. “I love my dog like I love Liverpool,” he said. “And boy do I love Liverpool.”

Nerdy Tongue Stuck by Albert Tatlock on the North Circular

Manchester United superstar and housewives favourite Gary Nerdy was yesterday facing a weekend in hospital after having a two hour operation to remove his tongue from Sir Massive Ferguson’s bottom. His father Nerdy Nerdy, a local celebrity billiard ball manufacturer said “Sadly Gary Nerdy cannot speak at the moment. His tongue is sore and he has lost the tip to the surgeon’s knife, you know, the bit with the funny little bumps on it. Anyway, he wanted me to explain to all of his fans that he’ll be back and that you shouldn’t worry at all. He is in good spirits and intends to put his tongue right back where it belongs despite the obvious risks. He will be back with his old wisecracks in the very near future” Sir massive was unavailable for comment but it is known that he spent training at Carrington sitting awkwardly on a huge stack of Ikea cushions.


By Barry Sheene In Port au Prince

The fishing net on his head, apparently an ancient Patagonian headpiece worn by the sailors of Puerto Ventura, close to where all those penguins live, is said to hold mythical powers and gives the wearer an innate sense of both irony and persecution. In olden times fights would develop and would often be pursued to the death, when fishermen criticised the contents of each others lunch boxes. Tevez’s own father, a renowned trawler man and hat wearer himself, was said to have been stabbed in the neck by a fellow sailor in the River Plate estuary when he laughed at his sardine sandwiches.

Wengaboys: We Will Win With Sol…
But City’s signing of Vieira is laughable By Gideon Lampstand, the Voice of Reason:

Arsenal chief and cabaret owl impersonator, Wengaboys Arsene has stated that the signing of Sol Campbell, a promising and well built fitness fanatic from up and coming Notts County, could tip the title balance in his Gunners favour. Megabucks Laughing Stock Man City, meanwhile, have again made themselves look ridiculous and desperate by shelling out a queen’s ransom for the decrepit and well-over-the-hill ex-Arsenal midfielder Patrick Walkingstick from InterMilan reserves see Pages 57 – 64

Christopher Ronald: Stop These Foreign Cheats by Harold Pinter in Santiago da Compostela

In a more or less developed development, the upright, British Bulldog have-a-go-hero, milky-faced, smooth thighed, Hovis eating all-action hermaphrodite Christopher Ronald has said he is “really quite sick and tired” of playacting monkey jawed Southern Europeans trying to con the arbitro in Spanish league games. The outburst by England’s cleanest and most upstanding export to foreign shores comes after Ronald was sent off during the match with Malaga, in which he had swiped a swarthy defender across the nose to repel the chap from giving him a dangerous broadside. The defender, nicknamed “Darky Trickster” by coach Luis Aragones, is said to have later complained of “double vision and a nose broken in three different places” but it was his on-field play acting that got our man Ronald sent from the field of play. Instead of staying on his feet and putting his nose in his pocket to be sorted out later, the snivelling wretch went to ground in the most casual and theatrical manner imaginable, rolled several times until he was lying on the feet of the linesman and then began weeping uncontrollably, whilst twitching like an electric prod had been introduced to his dark pipe. Ronald, who is proud of his record of never having been sent off before and never having lost his footing under challenge from burly British beefcake no-nonsense defenders, is appalled at this scourge of southern European football. “Stamp out this pansy cheating” he shouted, as he was led away to have his hair fixed.

“I am not good enough even for this shower of shite!” Andypanderson Comes Clean

In another development, the Manchester united and Brazil heart-throb Andypanderson has admitted that he is coming up short in the football stakes. “I have done my best to fit in, only cried a little bit when Sir Massive threw things at me and called me a jelly legged namby pamby Brazilian ponce and have tried my absolute best to be as good as Sir Bryan jizz, Paul Stools and the effervescent Far Flung Parts, but I just can’t do it. They are all far too good for me. I want to play for Liverpool, where I could swap wayward passes with Lucas and still look vaguely credible. I could send overhit passes to Kripiakos and watch him head the advertising boards by mistake and put through balls on a plate to EggNogg and see him blip the ball into his own ankles before falling over. It’s really unfair.”

Nerdy To Be Put Down

It has been revealed that Gary nerdy, the popular Manchester united star and stand-up act, may have to be put down at the end of the season, as a patch of nefecolumpus rot has been found on his tongue, which could be fatal anyway. “This is a fungus that grows rapidly as a result of licking things that have been on or close to the floor or somebody’s bottom,” said Professor Filsbury Harrap of Winnipeg Institute. “Prolonged antics with used socks usually produce a rash of green mould on the base of the tongue, which quickly grows inside the windpipe and causes the brain to turn to blackcurrant jelly. This in turn leads the possessor of the furry tongue to utter the most devilish gibberish and balderdash, which in turn can mean the sufferer becomes a figure of ridicule and has fun poked at him as well as tea poured over him whenever he stops to say something else. The kindest thing really is just to shoot the twat.”

TEVEZ FOOTBALLER OF THE MONTH by Nicholas Parsons in Guadalajara
In an archetypal development, there was a minute’s silence here after Megabucks Manchester City ace striker Charles Tevez was awarded the player of the Month trophy for his splendid return of precisely no goals during the month leading up to Christmas. The award, a small copper replica of Ivana Trump’s putting wedge, was handed over by a sprightly and good humoured Sir Massive Ferguson, 89, who said “I am particularly happy to give this thing away, as I was to give Charles himself away, the useless directionless little turd burglar. Thankfully my own team has gone from strength to strength using a small boy from France with a head like an avocado pair. Charles is just muddling along in mid table but that’s his choice. One piece of advice, sonny. Never ever leave Manchester united and think it’s clever to make a big noise about it. Do you see? Now take this keffing trophy and stick it up your mantelpiece.”


With these harsh words Delamere Skinty, son of Liverpool football Club owner George Skinty Senior , finally got off his chest several months’ worth of deep and thick-set frustration over his club’s demise in world football. Liverpool, now a feeder club to Getafe Mundial but still run passionately by Binbag Pinstripe Rif Rafa Benitez, the man who likes to say “no”, are all but finished for this season after a sterling comeback against reading was curtailed by the lower division club suddenly scoring more goals. “This means we look again at the league, no?” said Señor binbag in a rare moment of clarity. Skinty Junior meanwhile was in the Pickpocketer’s Arms in Bootle to talk to representatives of Liverpool’s world famous Witty Kop whose banner “Tanks Yanks But No Tanks Like” gained 2nd place in the recent World Witty banner of the Year competition. The winner, for the 14th year running, was Manchester United’s revolving number banner, which is so funny it has now been granted World Heritage Site Status; meaning people from Korea can come and take photographs of it. When asked why his father was overseeing such a huge financial crisis, Skinty junior replied, “Suck my hat, scumbag, and pick the dew drops out of my trousers” the riot that ensued ended with Bootle police calling for reinforcements from as far away as Minsk, as Skinty was held by his trouser bottoms from a bridge above the M62.



BRIDGE’S POOR FORM IN CHELSEA MATCH EXPLAINED: left back was carrying machine gun hidden in his underpants for entire game.

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